halfway through designing this page, i realised that, for a near-spring entry, it is deceptively autumn-themed... but then, i left behind 5 a.m. gf last november, did i not? so in a way, it's still fitting.
a lot has happened since i last wrote to you all. much has changed. even that phrasing, "you all"— since when have i ever acknowledged the audience? from the beginning, this blog has never concerned itself with such things. 5 a.m. gf was a labour of self-love, a vanity project, a gaze into my own navel with unattributed anime artwork slapped on top, insular and unconcerned with the world around it. i did whatever i wanted with it, whenever i wanted to. that's the mindset that allowed me to disappear and leave everyone wondering where i went.
so today, on the eve of my 22nd birthday, i write to "you all," however many of you are still reading. i want to tell you what has happened, what has changed, and why this will be the last "news" you ever hear from me.
because, finally, my relationship with Twelve imploded. whatever you know about her and our romance, rest assured it is based on lies. the love i had for her was real... but i neglected to share all the horrible things that happened in between lovey-dovey diary updates. in short, she was a very sick person who took out her frustrations on me. she cursed at me, insulted me, cheated on me, lied to me, weaponised my fears against me, stole my money, and betrayed my trust. i endured her rage even though i had done nothing to deserve it. many times over, she admitted that it wasn't even me who she was upset with.
have you ever wondered why you can't write swear words in my comment box, not even the word "hate"? it's because Twelve used to lash out at me from every avenue possible, including my own website. eventually i learned to limit her points of contact, but i was too terrified to leave her altogether. i wanted so badly to trust her, to see the goodness deep inside her, that i forgave her again and again. once she threatened to call the police on me and lie about my mental state to have me committed in a mental hospital, just because i wouldn't tell her that i hated her... and yes, i forgave her for that, too. following that incident, we dated for another several months.
i am not particularly interested in airing out all our dirty laundry. the main point is that when i finally gained the courage to leave Twelve, i knew i had to effectively disappear. i've spent the past couple of months laying low, only poking my head out every once in a while. now that she has stopped harassing me through my work, my family, over the phone, and online, it feels safe to climb up out of my hole and make this update. i do not know where Twelve is now and honestly i don't really care. i just hope that, as far as victims go, i am her last.
here are some reading materials that personally helped me.
also, a couple of key ideas/conclusions i came to.
lastly, the main reason i was able to leave Twelve was because i turned to my family for help. every time i've escaped a toxic relationship (no, this was not my first rodeo!), i have depended on the support of friends and family. if you are in a bad relationship, you don't have to spill all your secrets immediately. at first, just try complaining a little. give your loved ones at least a tiny peek into the hardship to see how they react, and to see if it kills you. as long as you are still alive, there is still hope for you. i really mean it.
in typical Five fashion, i will begin with the weather! mid March is windy and bright, still unsure if it wants to be hot or cold. yesterday, over the course of my walk home from work, i shed both of my jackets. it was my first time all year to be outside in just a t-shirt. apparently the end of the week will be even warmer! i'm looking forward to it and to springtime in general. i want to see some tulips!
last week i had a vacation from work and school. i spent the time with my family, laughing and talking and going shopping. while watching tv one evening, my mom and i finished an entire bottle of wine together, lol. it was lots of fun (and i'm very excited to wear my new clothes!) but i'm also glad to be back at work. i've become good friends with a couple of my colleagues, so i look forward to seeing them every day! one of them asked me to hack his 3DS to install homebrew and free games and stuff, so i'm very excited for that. i love flexing my limited technological knowledge!
as far as birthday celebrations go, i'm hoping to go ice skating with another friend soon, and i'll be baking cookies with the family over the weekend. yum... i should pick out a movie to watch, too. maybe i'll revist one that i reviewed on my old blog? like the one with the UFO cult and the time loop and the two brothers! that one was tons of fun!
i've been drawing again, too. i got myself a sketchbook and covered it in butterfly stickers. inside there are doodles of my favourite characters and my OCs, and of course lots of little tulips and stars and bowknots. i'm hoping to get back into writing, too. it seems i have endless energy for making up (and scrapping) story ideas, but none for getting them on the page!
that's probably because i need to take better care of myself. last month i had some kind of stunning revelation that Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, my favourite and most cited infographic of all time, is actually correct. like seriously! how am i supposed to self-actualise (see: write fanfiction) if my physical needs for water, sleep, and hygiene are not met? so i'm being much more conscious of stuff like that. this morning, for example, instead of rotting in bed on my phone, i woke up and stretched and took a shower. i even combed my hair! and brushed my teeth!!! yes i know that all sounds very basic, but this is progress for me and i'm proud of it.
i'm looking forward to seeing my life improve as i change my habits. after i finish with this update, i'm going to use the last of the daylight to clean my room, too. it is very messy, so i know i'll feel much better when it's clean. honestly i'm already feeling much better in general. my life is on the upswing and i'm very excited for the future. i know that good things are happening for me, that i'm a good person, and that i'll have a happy, prosperous life.
for "you all" reading... i wish that same to you. i wish you only the very, very best! i want everyone on this Earth to have a chance to experience love and joy and growth and to revel in it, like a little dog rolling on its back in a flower bed. yes it's a little muddy, but life is fun, isn't it?
thus concludes the saga of 5 a.m. girlfriend. as a parting gift, i am uploading all of my unfinished pages. they are just as they were when i last worked on them, and some have a lot more content than others. if you want to know when they were created and last updated, check the source code. my dad taught me to always sign my name and put the date on my work!
here is a list of all the "new" pages, in no particular order:
you won't find them linked anywhere else, as i cannot be assed to update the link directories/hubs lol.
as for other places you might find me... i don't intend to use the 5amgf moniker ever again or in any other location. you're much more likely to stumble upon people who seem similar to me, so much so that they might even be me, but there's no way to really tell, and if asked i will deny it. i will join the ever growing list of cyber missing persons, the digitally relocated, the nostalgic memory of a blog you once knew and enjoyed... that's a little dramatic, but that's part of the fun, isn't it? c'mon, i want this to be a real tear-jerker!
we may never meet again, so while i still have your attention, i want to tell everyone that i'm truly grateful for all of your support. everyone who left nice comments asking about me and worrying over me, even wishing me a happy new year— i am beyond grateful! thank you all for thinking of me! thank you for visiting my page! and if i could ask one last thing? please, wake up at 5 a.m. one of these days. at that hour, the world is especially beautiful.