Tue 26 Oct 2021

it rained all night and all morning, topped off with intermittent drizzles throughout the day. altogether very grey, a little dreary, but i'm not complaining. i had a short walk in the drizzle and i really love the chilly weather. i especially love dressing poorly— i'm talking open-toed shoes, pajamas, no pants, type of stuff. i can't wait for wintertime!

feeling a bit unlike myself today, which i guess leads into the question: who am i? i haven't had any identity crises in a while so i suppose i am about due ahaha. today is my day off, so it was quite alright that i didn't accomplish much. i won't be too hard on myself.

hmm... some things that i'd like to do... more stuff on Neocities, for sure! like setting up my November diary, and i have a couple more pages in the works. it would be fun to do more on my OTP shrine as well, and make old-web style soukoku graphics ehehe. earlier this week i played on my Nintendo Switch a little, which was a great way to kill time. i also have a lot of fun writing! and reading! i read manga today!!! so i kind of want to do something like that...

it can be hard to choose a passtime when there are so many things that sound fun at the same time.

Fri 22 Oct 2021

the weather has been up and down lately, like it can't decide if it wants to be cold or hot. it reminds me of the times in middle school when my friends and i joked that the Earth itself was bipolar. now that i know a thing or two about geophysics, it strikes me as one hell of a pun... in any case, the afternoon sun burned me up and i'm glad to be back inside.

the other day after work, while waiting for the train, i sat in a field on my college campus and listened to the live music they had playing. my best guess is that it was some kind of charity event combined with blatant sorority/fraternity recruiting. crazy to think that i've walked passed tons of these events but this was the first time i ever stayed to listen to the concert.

the bands were okay. both appeared to be composed solely of suburban, college-age white boys, in the prime of their life to write bad poetry, so the lyrics were universally terrible. they had some pretty nice guitar stuff though and i really enjoyed the first band who played like... beachy stuff. i don't know what to call the genre but it just makes me think "ahh... sway to the beat... as if you're floating on the ocean... ahh, the beach........"

honestly, i felt like i had been transported into a universe where i was a normal university student. the type who goes to study groups that always slack off and have fun instead, or who attends parties just to flirt hopelessly and laugh about it afterwards. the type of young woman who has a whole coming-of-age, self-discovery, "falling in love with yourself" story, peppered with relationship drama between friends and lovers, bookended by exams and summer vacations, and the backdrop is a generic college campus. coming to theatres near you in 2022...

i'll never be that person. and don't be fooled by the paragraph above— i've never yearned to be. listening to the live music, mostly i just missed Twelve. it would have been nice to dance with her to sappy, amateur rock n roll.

Fri 8 Oct 2021

today it was hot! it's so funny to think that in summertime, 24 degrees is a perfectly cool, pleasant day, but now that it's autumn, i was totally burning up in the afternoon sun. looks like since i've gotten inside, the clouds have come around to cool things off. i hope the weather gets to be consistently cold, soon. i miss wearing my winter coat!

important life things are falling in to place. they'll become clearer still over the weekend, which is exciting and daunting but mostly just exciting... i'm looking forward to my life. i still feel confused sometimes, and it's not like everything goes as intended— but i'm hopeful. very hopeful. i'll be okay.

something more worrying is that i've been having trouble eating lately. i get nauseous, don't want to finish my food, sometimes my mouth and throat hurt after chewing... worst of all are the tummy aches. i hope that they'll go away on their own since it seems it has been getting a bit better lately. whenever it hurts bad enough that i can't sleep, i cuddle with the ducky Twelve gave me and he calms me down enough to fall asleep.

hmmm, what else to talk about? lots of good things happening lately. i'm doing my best to focus on these positives. here's a list!

quite a few things, huh? i'm glad that i can keep a record of it for my future self.

Sat 2 Oct 2021

today is bright, clear, and sunny, as all autumn mornings should be. despite keeping the curtains drawn, my room is still full of light. it feels very cozy in here.

i totally forgot about making my October diary! in general i have not been writing much CSS lately because i've been writing fanfiction instead. it's really, really fun. i forgot how enjoyable it is to put a story on the page. i think it helps that i'm being totally self-indulgent, like to a criminal degree, so my heart is always in the story. if i don't write it, who will? it's thoughts like that that keep me motivated.

in other news, i'm doing my very best at living. it's strange and exciting to be happy so consistently, where before i barely had a reason to keep going. i think that i'll be okay.

one funny thing about adulthood is that i don't feel all that grown up. i earn a paycheck, yes, but i play video games and take personality quizzes on my days off, just like i did in high school. if anything i had more responsibilities back then, what with homework assignments and all. very funny. maybe i'll write a book about it.

trick or treat!

Daily Gratitude

  • small victories
  • polite conversation
  • the old web... uwah...
  • stimming
  • staying in bed
  • deep layered brown noise 12 hours
  • water n juice
  • quiet
  • serenity
  • the same three youtube videos i watch on repeat
  • french fries yum
  • freshly washed blueberries, waiting in the kitchen as if prepared especially for me (they were not, but that's okay)
  • tgif feeling
  • noise cancelling earbuds
  • neocities, who always waits patiently for me
  • writing! so much fun
  • unapologetic self-indulgence
  • orange juice
  • Twelve's cute voice
  • clean eyeglasses
  • the future
  • delicious oatmeal i made yesterday
  • singing and having fun
  • women who make documentaries and podcasts
  • my nice coworkers
  • bracelet mementos
  • rainbow stickers
  • hair twirling
  • search engines
  • the little red line that tells me i don't know how to spell
  • Neocities
  • my fiancée my sweetheart
  • documentaries
  • fallen leaves