2021 September

Monday the 27th

today, it's bright and sunny. to be honest, i enjoyed the morning chill more than the afternoon heat, but the sky has been really beautiful the whole day. big, blue, with cute little white clouds.

today at work i snuck into the bathroom to play Ensemble Stars!! Music. as always i started with my favourite song, "Tempest Night" on expert mode, and it was so intense. towards the final chorus, i thought i heard someone walking into the bathroom, so i paused it to listen. anyone who plays rhythm games means that pausing is the one of the best ways to ruin your combo, second only to being distracted by notifications. in the end, nobody came in and i did really well on the song. in fact i got a full combo!!!

today has been ok, overall. i'm a bit sleepy since i had a rough weekend and i've been awake since i woke up from an unfortunate sunday afternoon nap, but i'm not complaining. i'll have dinner later and get a restful night's sleep. day off tomorrow, so i can rest as much as i need.

i've been having fun playing RPG Maker Games like Liar Jeannie in Crucifix Kingdom and At the Tale End. maybe i'll write about them more in my gaming diary, later. for now, i think it's good to focus on more wholesome hobbies like games, reading, writing, and drawing, since i don't want to waste my life scrolling on gossip boards. i'd like to get back into reading fanfiction, especially. i'm still obsessed with Soukoku and i know there are lots of really great writers out there if i just dig for them. even the less-experienced writers inspire me, though, since some of them have really cool ideas.

umm other than that... i'm just happy to be alive. i did laundry this morning. i washed dishes. i rode the train and i worked 5 hours and i only took one 3-minute break to play a fujobait music+gacha game. very productive, if i do say so myself.

Thursday the 23rd

tonight we're having rain storms again. when i was out earlier today, it was just windy and humid and grey, so i'm excited for the culmination of that. rain is so wonderful...

i'm in a weird mood where i want to draw but it's a little difficult. i wish i still had my old tablet... as much as i like using my big cintiq as a second monitor, it's no fun to draw on it. maybe i'll look into getting something new.

in the meantime, drawing on paper is still very fun! i started drawing in pen since high school to improve my line confidence— which worked! but i think it'd do me good to go back to pencil. i'll start carrying one with my notebook so i can doodle more effectively.

i'm very tired, and surprisingly chilly... i'd like to get in bed and be warm and comfy. maybe i ought to sleep early tonight!

Wednesday the 22nd

i haven't been outside yet, but it looks a little rainy today. that said, the sky is a bright, grey-white colour, so not particularly stormy at all. maybe we will get a drizzle, if we're lucky.

48 hours have passed since my last entry and my hair is still wet! that's honestly kind of incredible. granted, i braided it up while it was still sopping with conditioner, but i'm nevertheless amazed. i shouldn't undo the braids until i'm certain that it's completely dry, so i'll give it another day.

yesterday i watched Community season 3 and customised my desktop and did very little else. i'm really proud of my efforts though— look how cute my computer is!

i'm very very happy with the results. i used to hardly ever look at my desktop, mostly because i prefer to navigate my computer with keyboard shortcuts and run commands. now i just sit and stare at it. so cute...

one issue is that i've deleted the little shortcut arrow thingy from the registry, which works wonders for a clean looking desktop! but shortcuts within explorer look kinda... uhh... black-square-of-void-y. i'll see what i can about that, but it's a dilemma for later. this afternoon i've got to go to my adult job and earn my adult paycheck. and on my breaks i will do what adults do: play Harvest Moon: Friends of Mineral Town for the GameBoy Advance.

ah gosh, i miss Twelve a lot. i want to kiss her and hold her again soon... she's the reason i'm working so hard, after all! i will keep doing my best to build our future together.

on my way home from work, a bunch of people at the crossing waved at the train as it passed by. it made me really happy.

Monday the 20th

super quick update before i head out for work: last night, i deep conditioned my hair for the first time and wow! that was an experience! i left it in overnight and washed it out this morning... honestly, i can't tell how soft it is because it's still damp (and full of even more conditioner) but i'm very excited to find out. i want to take better care of myself in general, and my hair is a good place to start!

in other news, i'm customising my desktop again. it looked mostly the same for about two years, so i figured it was time to switch it up. there's lots more to add and decorate, so it'll be a while longer until i'm satisfied. still, the process is very fun! kind of addicting tbh! i'll share screenshots when i'm done~

other than that... it looks like it'll be a nice day today. i haven't been outside yet so i don't know how the wind is, but the temperatures are pretty mild. i'm looking forward to my trek.

Wednesday the 15th

it was hot outside today, nigh unbearably. not as humid as yesterday, though, which was nice, and i also appreciated the strong breeze. i've been picking up acorns on my walk to and from work. sometimes i can hear them falling out of the trees! i don't quite understand it, but i'm thrilled by the sound of them smacking against the pavement.

i realised something important this morning. i was playing Dogz 2: Fashion for the Gameboy Advance, trying to come up with excuses for putting off important tasks. some wise part of me asked, "and if you don't do the important thing, what will you spend that time on instead? is your desire to play Dogz 2: Fashion stronger than your desire for that important goal?"

the answer is no, obviously. i saved and quit the game as quickly as i could and got on with my day. and— good news!— i did the important thing! i'm really glad that it's out of the way now. i feel much better, and really grown up.

another grown up thing i've been doing lately is reading. today's other revelation is that my favourite genre really is nonfiction, so choosing new books should be fun. sadly i haven't been using my one-person book club page because i intend to redesign it... but i'd like to use it again! so i think i will start the new page tonight!

in the meantime, here is a list of books that i've read since June:

  • The Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein
  • Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men by Caroline Criado Perez
  • Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquiel
  • The Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan (it was so good, i gave it to my mom, haha)
  • English Teacher X Guide to Teaching English Abroad
  • Big Brother by Lionel Shriver
  • How to Supress Women's Writing by Joanna Russ
  • the CIA KUBARK manual lol
  • Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones

the above list is not in any particular order, not by favourites and certainly not by chronology! but i had fun writing it out. i wish that i had more physical books to read so that i might give my eyes a rest from all these digital screens, but i quite like the convenience of having lots of books on my phone. i already have to carry the damn thing everywhere— i might as well put something useful on it!

anyways, i'm okay. i've been doing my best to be a normal human and i think it is working out. the me of the past who felt so aimless and so alone, who looked at the world and thought "impossible!" i'm glad that she carried on and became the woman i am today. that's really something. thank you, past me.

Thursday the 9th

this morning, the sky is pure white. there's a hearty drizzle outside through which i will soon be walking. i'm glad for it though, because i love rain, especially the sound of it pattering against my umbrella. some of the hydrangeas in our garden are still blooming, fresh and bright, while others have dried up and fallen off. the trees are still green. autumn approaches, yes, but she's coming to us very, very slowly.

i spent the past week not doing much of anything— certainly not doing anything i actually needed to do. but i'm trying not to worry about it because worrying solves nothing and it makes you sick, to boot. the best i can do for myself is to gather information, plan ahead, and always be prepared. wow, i feel pretty zen-like just for typing that out. how nice.

i also feel kind of lethargic, like i just drank chamomile tea or drowsy allergy medicine. maybe it's the rainy day. maybe it's the quiet. the house is so calm early in the morning... i can hear the ancient copy machine buzzing next door. the rhythmic whirr of the lamp timer. the tap running a floor above me. the dryer tossing around my work shirt and a couple towels. a family member trimming her toenails. a leafblower, somewhere. my own typing. and the rain, of course, but only a little bit.

i wonder what i'm going to do with my life. the big picture (i.e. love) is pretty much set in stone, but what about the little details? i suppose i will suffer the same fate as all other people before me: stumble through it confused and uncertain, but mostly happy because i can enjoy the current moment. i can live in the present.

that's enough for me.

Thursday the 2nd

today is bright and sunny, ableit a bit windy. i guess that's late-summer/early-autumn for you. apparently we're on the tail end of an extreme heat wave, so the leaves aren't changing yet. and because i forgot to talk about the weather yesterday, here's a belated forecast. (a beforecast, if you will.) it drizzled all day, and last night, there was a huge thunderstorm with lightning and everything. apparently a lot of things are flooded now— the trains aren't running and my team was made to work from home today. i hope everything will be back in service by tomorrow... i have places to be!

in other news, i ate pesto for breakfast and did some surface level research into my future prospects. there's so much to think about and take care of... it feels pretty overwhelming at times. for that reason, i want to take everything one day at a time and move forward bit by bit. all i really need to do today is a bit of laundry. my most important priority is getting rest... i really need it after all the energy i expended packing and travelling and fussing about. also my dad died a couple weeks ago. apparently it will take more than six months to recover from this at best so... that really sucks.

i didn't know if i even wanted to mention it in this diary because it's heavy and painful and, on some level, i'm trying to avoid thinking about it. it's weird. after months of not caring about it much, i've started to wear the watch he gave me two years ago for Christmas, even though it's uncomfortable. i have small, bony, altogether watch-phobic wrists. i also have little else to passively remember him by. sounds like a metaphor for grief, or something. perhaps when i'm in the mood for poetry, i'll read into it more.

Wednesday the 1st

coming to you live at 5:47 a.m., seated at my desk back home. it hasn't yet sunken in that i'm truly apart from Twelve, and that the distance won't be closed for some months time, but i can say one thing with certainty. i missed my big kirby plushie!!!!! he is so good for hugging and resting my back on. i love him so much... not quite as much as i love Twelve— nothing could possibly compare— but i'm happy to have him back.

i'll be back to work tomorrow. not gonna lie, i'm pretty excited for it. for the past two days i've been totally freaked out about all the stuff on my plate, especially tasks with time constraints... but this morning, i feel confident and secure. everything will work out. i'm gonna be okay. next year, Twelve and i will live together permnanently, and we'll work the rest out from there! turns out all i needed was a bit more time to recuperate.

anyhow, i really enjoyed styling this page a couple weeks ago. the header is back to school Soukoku!! what more could i possibly ask for!!! in general, i'm just very excited to write in my diaries again. i have so much fun updating 5amgf, and it's the most fun when i get to do it daily.

Daily Gratitude