i've been busy today doing chores and homework and stuff, but if i'm honest, it's all just killing time until i can be with Twelve. she is the sweetest girl in the world! i want to see her soon! at the time of writing, it should be just another half hour, maybe a bit more. i wanna hear her voice. i wanna say "hello" and "hi" back and forth for a good 20 seconds. i wanna make her smile, and even though i won't be seeing her face, i can always hear it in her voice! i want to hang out and have a nice evening... i wonder what we'll do today?
she remarked earlier that we're getting stronger everyday. i think it's true. "like a kaleidoscope, and the more you look it just gets deeper and deeper," i said. Twelve told me that's a good way to describe it. i'm already so happy with her, even at this distance. i can't wait until we are together for real! it'll be even better than a daydream.
on the phone with Twelve, my beloved, and i want to commit this small exchange to memory.
5: "I love you more than words can express."
5: "And I know a lot of words."
12: "Thank you for the clarification sweetheart."
she's the best... truly... okay, no more typing, i have a wonderful girlfriend to converse with!!!
Twelve and i have taken to leaving the phone on all night and just sleeping that way. i like listening to her snoring, hehe. it's more like deep breathing than snoring, but i'm not sure of a better shorthand... anyways, by the morning we're always awake at the same times, against all odds. i'm sure to see her off before she heads out for the day, and usually i sleep a bit more afterwards. more than anything, it's comfortable. cozy! i'm really happy we get to spend so much time together.
she's remarked a couple times that we're so close and we know almost everything about each other, yet every conversation is fun and unique. i think it's very rare to meet someone you can converse with so endlessly and about so many different topics. i couldn't even guess what we'll be talking about tonight, that's how random it can be. what's most important, and what's guaranteed, is that Twelve and i will be calmed by each other's voices. calling her at night is like coming home...
the plans we've been making about seeing each other over the summer are coming to fruition in unexpected ways. i hope that things will go smoothly. knowing us, we'll overcome any hardship that comes our way. we are a team, after all! the formidable double blossom! i feel very confident in our bond. somehow, it's like everything's going to be alright.
p.s., very excited for our first anniversary! when March comes around, i'll be sure to ask if she'd like to exchange gifts. i wonder what i might get for her? personally, i'd like a kiss!!! but it will have to be redeemed in the summertime.
Twelve smiled at me when i took off my glasses. she makes my insides feel like an Artic Monkeys song, one with chunky guitars and nonsense lyrics. i wanna hang out again soon!
Twelve and i have been playing OMORI together and it's really really fun. it reminds me a lot of our time in the summer playing End Roll except this time, i am the guide! like the fairy navi, gently reminding her to heal the party and pointing out hidden items. i like it a lot. it's nice to be helpful!
the best part is hearing her reactions and extrapolating what her face looks like... she has the cutest smile when she's laughing, so i'm always happy when the jokes make her giggle.
i hope we can play again soon! and to play lots more games together in the future. Barnyard is in my future for sure >:+)
i love it when she whistles along to the healing jingle sound effect. adorable. if Twelve was a bird, i'd listen to her sing every day.
the very first poem i wrote for Twelve is called "surmounting tribulation" and goes something like this:
a gentle word for calming respite
your hand to hold amid the tempest
remind me once lest we forget it
soukoku fandom is a cesspit
i can't say i agree anymore, seeing as once i stumble upon a single piece of fanart it's like my brain gets hotwired and i need to see more. trapped over and over again in the soukoku mines... but i wouldn't trade it for the world. i'm glad we have a fun pairing that we both enjoy!!! the 2.0 gigabytes of collected fanart are simply a testament of our love!!!!
i miss her. Twelve, if you can feel this somehow: sleep well, have a sweet dream, and come talk to me again soon. i love you.
we spent the night together (literally just professing our love to each other for 5 full hours) and my heart is still glowing. i feel like i won't stop smiling for days. after missing her so much, i felt so spoiled to have her attention. simply put, Twelve is the most wonderful girl in the world. i'm beyond lucky to have her. where would we be right now if not for each other's continued care and support? it's a speculation i can't even comprehend. i need her like i need oxygen.
feels so soft. i love her lots. my favourite thing is making her laugh... i love seeing her smile, feeling proud that i'm the one who put it there... ah, i want to talk again soon.
not exaggerating: i could cry just from the residual happiness. even if she claims she's not good with words, she really blows me away sometimes. i hope that i can hold onto these memories, little snippets of audio, and play them back in my mind whenever we're apart. i love her so very much.
it goes without saying that every song i hear automatically makes me think of Twelve. even when they're not love songs, i'll wonder to myself if she'd like the tune and contemplate sharing it with her. things like that. of course, most songs are about love anyway... so any time i spend listening to music, i also spend thinking of Twelve.
after some years, i'm listening to Rachie's English version of PinocchioP's "I'm Glad You're Evil Too" again. i knew the very first time that i heard it that it would be an important song even if the lyrics were not quite applicable yet. so i set it aside— and now i get to rediscover it, in a way! all my old premonitions seem to come true when Twelve is involved... but that's just destiny, is it not?
i especially like the final chorus. "When the day starts anew, I hope I spend it with you. I'm glad that I fell in love with you." it's the kind of line that makes my heart hurt in a really good way. like how Death Cab for Cutie's "Transatlanticism" shakes my very soul, just with more synthesisers and wordy Japanese to English translyrics. it's a rare feeling, as irreplaceable as loving Twelve herself.
i hope she sleeps peacefully tonight and that the morning goes smoothly. i want to see her soon...
today, Twelve said to me "i love you endlessly." that's a really apt way to put it.
ah, i love Twelve. i miss her! since i can't hear her voice for a little while, i'm just reading everything i write in her cute accent. it's really nice. i can even replicate her laughter in my head. maybe one day she'll read this entry to me aloud and i can compare my impression to the real deal.
i think someday we should watch Hyouka together. the art is so adorable and i remember enjoying the episodic storylines, as well. i bet she'll really like Hokuto, the lazy son of a bitch. his relationship with Eru is so cute, too! kind of like us, in a way? we'll have to see. it's been a while since i last watched it.
we spent all of yesterday together. it was so nice to relax in each other's company... i love her so much. i can't wait to hold her for real!!!
lots of people pose this question, and i feel like the general consensus is "no." i read somewhere that unconditional love would be unfulfilling even if it did exist. in that person's mind, it equates to overlooking your loved one's bad behaviour, taking them for granted, and not caring about them— all in the name of keeping up the facade of a false, fairy-tale love. to me, that's nonsense... here are my thoughts:
Not caring about or paying attention to someone is the opposite of unconditional love. True love fully recognises a person's flaws and chooses to embrace them even in times of struggle. Of course you should encourage your loved one's growth and help them make healthy choices. It's important to hold them accountable, too, when they mess up. True love simply means that no matter how often they fail, you recognise that as unavoidable human error and continue to support them.
I don't think that's codependency or unhealthy fixation. Plenty of people confuse those situations as love… If the "unavoidable human error" is a pattern of awful crimes with intent to harm, if your safety and morality are constantly undermined, then the relationship must be reevaluated. You cannot unconditionally love someone who does not love you in return.
That's because it has to go both ways. True love is not an internal feeling, but a shared experience. A connection. Like any relationship, it requires time, patience, communication, and trust. Though it's not always easy or straightforward or sensible, it's real. True love exists.
and i know it because that's what i have with my precious Twelve. i love her so much, more deeply than anything. she means the world to me.
she's so cute. she makes me smile and laugh so easily!! my best moments are spent with Twelve and i wouldn't trade them for the world. i love talking with her and being sweet with her and listening and learning all i can... maybe i repeat myself too often in this diary, but these are the things i think about most.
the other day, i found some vocaloid songs that i think she'll really like. i'll be sure to share them with her when we have time. for now, i think i'll lay down and daydream of her.
when Twelve says my name... ah, it's so wonderful. just from thinking about it, i'm smiling. it feels like a real blessing to know someone as thoroughly as we know each other. and yet we're still learning more and more! that's the beauty of new experiences, right?
sometimes i wish we could see the whole world together. but even then, the tiny bit that we're privy to... it's more than enough for me. after all, of everything in the universe, Twelve matters to me the most. it doesn't matter where i am so long as i'm with her.
i wanna chat with her again soon. i'm sure she's gonna make me laugh the next time i see her! when we're together, everything feels so much easier. i wanna bask in that feeling as much as i can.
we've been so lovey dovey lately, making all sorts of exciting plans... i'm so happy. thinking about our future makes my heart pound! i keep asking myself, is it real? will we manage it? can i really have something so wonderful?
so far it seems the answer is yes it's real, yes we will manage it, and yes! all those wonderful things will really happen for us. i've never wished for anything with such fervency. it already feels like living in a dream.
if that's true, that i really am dreaming... there's no need to wake me up. i'm content with just this. ah, Twelve... we have beautiful days ahead of us. i'm so in love with you.
Twelve doesn't snore, but i do love the sound of her breathing when she sleeps. it's really calming... i could listen to it forever. well, maybe not forever. i would hope that Twelve woke up sometimes so we could talk and have fun together. so i'll adjust my calculation: i could listen to Twelve sleep for about 33% of forever.
last night we talked lots and lots, all the way until bedtime. wouldn't it be nice if i could lay my head on her chest and listen to her heartbeat? i want to see her again soon.
i love her. i'm right to love her. no matter what happens to us... no matter how painful it gets... i'll struggle all i have to. when it's for her sake, i can endure anything. i trust in my love for Twelve. everything has been in preparation for our happy ending.
call me dramatic, foolish, obsessed... who am i to argue? all i know is that i won't turn my back upon destiny.
i'm happy for the little things, these days. just chatting every day is enough to lift my spirits. maybe sometime soon we'll get to talk on the phone again. it's true... i miss Twelve, but that can't be helped for now. she still makes me smile all the time.
oh, and we did get to watch Garfield! it was just as funny and cute as i had hoped. i wanna sing the sea shanty together someday!! and i thought about Minecraft earlier, too... it would be cute if we could go back to Soukohama and dig in the mines together again. ^w^
it'll be belated, but i hope that sometime next week, Twelve and i can watch Halloween movies. im excited to be included in the annual Garfield viewing party!!! i can't really recall any Halloween movies i liked as a kid, but maybe we could find a couple Goosebumps episodes or something... or maybe watch Spirited Away since that's a kind of "scary" Ghibli movie, hehe.
and then there's that Umibe no Etranger OVA that we were waiting to watch with subtitles. by now, i'm sure someone has gotten around to subbing it. that could be a fun date night!!!
i wanna talk to her again soon. i miss her lately.
today, i finished styling a new "reasons to love her" page. i've done good work, if i do say so myself!!! the best part, i think, is rereading the list that i initially wrote. it must have been some time in may or june, right? and yet so much of it still rings true! on my first revisit, i thought "wow, what could i possibly add? the Five of the past covered everything!"
of course, i did think of a few things to add. they're snuggled into the original list where they belong. i'm sure if i wanted to, i could go on and on and on forever... maybe i would repeat myself a lot, but most certainly, i never tire of talking to and about Twelve.
i wonder if Twelve knows that sometimes i think of her face and smile. like this morning, i was just going about my business when, as usual, my thoughts drifted to her. she occupies a very large portion of my brain, after all!! so, i imagined her cute smiling face... and i couldn't help but feel happy, too. my ambition for the day is to give her at least one little giggle. she makes me laugh all the time, so it's only fair.
yesterday marks seven months of dating for Twelve and i we've come quite a long way, i think. and since i'm redesigning all of 5amgf, of course my absolute favourite corner of the web will have an upgrade, too! as it is now, this page is unfinished and a little sloppy... but i'm really excited to fix it up!