26 August 2021

Coming to You Live From the Gargoyle Perch

as i write, i'm seated beside you on a stack of books on the floor (my "dog spot," in your words) because i cannot stand the three metres distance that would separate us if i sat in the chair across the room. people are always surprised and a little confused to see me crouching behind the counter, but neither of us really care. i'm happy to be within petting distance. we can even hold hands like this, where no one can see.

i thought it high time that i reminisce on all we've done together this summer. my only regret is not keeping a consistent diary... but it's okay! i remember so many of our fun moments, so this will suffice for now. next time we are together, i'll be sure to write as often as possible, hopefully daily. even though we didn't do any scrapbooking, i am very, very glad that you took so many photos of me, and that we've got several together, too. and of course i love the stickers and the little notebook we bought!

on our first weekend together, we tried to go to the flea market but got lost along the way. in the end, we just strolled through a grassy field, admiring the wildflowers and making up funny stories about the lone tree standing in the middle. then we went to the mall and bought things for our flat, like the frying pan i totally destroyed when scrubbing away our breakfasts... on another weekend, we stayed indoors and watched all the Shrek movies. we watched Boss Baby, too, and it made us both cry! you also showed me your favourite sitcoms, which i ended up really enjoying, and i think we spent at least five days straight just rewatching Steven Universe. we played Minecraft, and Dramatical Murder, and Walking on a Star Unknown... and we also got really nostalgic for other games and movies, like Pippi Longstockings and Pokémon; and we both installed Windows XP on our laptops so we can play old CD-ROM games, too. now i'll forever associate those shows, games, and movies with kissing you, cuddling you, and taking breaks to get snacks or make juice.

you took me to the zoo where we saw baby meerkats, fishies and buggies, and a big mean bird who harrassed us. we went to a museum that you've always wanted to visit, and to the countryside to see the fireflies and the nightsky. we saw lots of stray cats— and even met a big, fluffy, gorgeous cat who walks with his owner every evening! not to mention the hundreds of dogs and their walkers that seem to infest the city. still, even if we don't really care for dogs, we have a lot of fun gawking at them, saying things like "so small!" and "so fluffy!" one time, i got really, really excited about passing by a tiny dog on our way back from work. when you encouraged me to pet him, i finally overcame my shyness, and touching that fluffy little thing was so exhilerating that i felt giddy all the way home.

along with the happy memories, i've got lots of physical souvenirs to take with me, too. you bought me lots of clothes— enough that there were days where my outfit was entirely composed of your gifts! on top of that, you've also gifted me lots of your own clothing, which i imagine i will wear near-constantly when i return home. i've got new stickers, books, and a coveted microSD reader. i might even choose one of your stuffed toys to take home! but most important is the toy boat you bought for me... you ran all over the city to get her and bring her to me. it was such a wonderful surprise that i kicked my feet and bounced around, and i hope you'll remember my big, big smile till the end of your days. i'm leaving the boat with you (and your bathtub) because she is just so precious.

our mannerisms seem to rub off on each other, too. we have a lot of the same speech patterns, not counting our innumerable inside jokes, and because i wore your clothes so often, i feel as if we even look the same. you gained my unfortunate tendency to hiccup constantly, and, more fortunately, i learned how to baby talk in your native tongue. both of us learned how to kiss. all in all, i think we've done a lot of learning, both in life and about each other. i'm glad that it's you i'm learning about. i'm glad that we're both free to be ourselves together.

we drank lots of beer; we ate lots of ice cream. we cooked together, bathed together, and slept in the same bed every night. we shared so many jokes, consoled each other through tears, and became fuller, happier people. you've given me so many new expereinces, from trying new foods, to going outside regularly, to simply being in a foreign country for the first time. all this time, i've gotten more and more assurance that you are the woman i will marry. i want to spend every day together for the rest of our lives. i feel closer to you than ever...

is this entry scattered? it feels scattered to me. perhaps that's because it's so hard to sum up what i consider to be the best summer of my life in just a few short paragraphs. we had so much fun together in three short months, it's like they passed by in "a rainbow flash," as you would say. still, i want to try. i believe that it's always better to do something incompletely than not at all. just now, you leaned down to kiss me and tell me you love me, which gave me the opportunity to express my concern to you. you reassured me that it's okay if it's not perfect, that you love my writing regardless, and that it's just for our selves in the future— ten years from now reminiscing on our first summer together.

everything will be okay. we will make it so.

4 August 2021

yes. two questions

but first, i must set the scene: following a long and productive day at work, then a quick shopping trip, you and i returned to our shared apartment to eat dinner. after a couple episodes of our favourite campy BBC sitcom, i was sleepy enough to lay down. you stroked my hair, then prepared to entertain yourself until you felt sufficiently tired. all was well... except for the housefly in our flat.

initially, i resigned myself to it, clamping our teddybear over my ears when it buzzed nearby. valiantly, you swore to slay the beast for my sake— should it appear. the thing was annoying to find and much harder to trap, so after a failed assassination, you proposed that i should join the fight. "it'd be best if we tag team it," you said, so naturally using the phrase i introduced to our language. of course, i agreed. you equipped me with my own flyswatter and, ready for battle, we both settled down to wait for a sign from the enemy.

within minutes, we heard the buzzing. there was a brief moment where we both doubted our own ears, focused our attention on the noise to see if it would repeat. and when it did— somewhere behind us?!— we both sprang into action. the actual mechanics of slaying a housefly are much less dignified; i said "there, maybe?" and you faithfully slapped at the walls. what really matters is that we did it. we triumphed.

as you disposed of the corpse, i couldn't contain my excitement. "i need to show you exactly what we looked like when we both jumped up." as usual, i didn't even need to elaborate. you already knew the Soukoku panel to which i was referring, and on top of that, you'd had the same thought in the moment. not to get sappy, but it seemed that, despite being two distinct bodies, we were acting as a cohesive whole. who knew killing a pesky fly could make for such great bonding?

the panel in our collective unconscious,
from chapter 30

so, my first question is the one you posed while squatted over the rubbish bin, cleaning up our kill. why are we soukoku? it's rhetorical at this point, always asked in an incredulous and giddy tone. we don't even need to discuss the answer, not when it's woven into the very fabric of our union. and my follow-up is: why are we the same person? i am continually amazed by the impressions we intuitively share. no matter the practical causes for our similarities, i'm so glad to have them in common them with you, the absolute light of my life. i love you so very much.

28 July 2021

approaching 500 days of love

did you know "double blossom" is an actual thing? it refers to a mutation in flowers that creates extra layers of petals, flowers within flowers. according to Wikipedia, roses, camelias, and carnations are especially prone to this phenomenon. while i understand it's a mutation, to me, it doesn't look abnormal at all. in fact, i'd say it looks quite beautiful...

well, we've already had this conversation. you glanced over at my screen as i was reading a serious-looking PDF and asked what i was up to. when i expressed surprise and delight that "double blossom" has an actual meaning, you laughed because you'd known all along— and assumed i did, too.

it's news to me, though, very happy news! i love the intrigue it adds to our ship team name, Double Blossom. originally, i came up with it as a pun on Soukoku, translated for English release as "Double Black," plus a cute little phrase i used to describe our connection. one day i told you, "we are two blossoms upon the same stem," and you so adored it that i forever immortalised the exchange on my first love diary. it's hard to believe that that was more than a year ago now, isn't it? nevertheless, it's been included in every iteration since.

but, as far as names go, that's all Double Blossom was intended to be: a pun. something cute for my webpage. now excuse my being dramatic, but with this revelation it feels like so much more...

first of all, the double-flowered mutation results in sexually sterile blooms. in some cases, the reproductive organs are converted entirely into petals. even if not, functional nectaries are nearly always rendered inaccessible by the petal formations anyways. doesn't that sound familiar? like a pair of women who can't (and won't) reproduce?

and you know, strictly speaking, lesbianism isn't our only abnormality. obviously, i won't list them all out now! but take autism, for one, and how it's shaped the courses of our lives, for better and for worse. as a natural result of our strangeness, most of the time others don't understand us— but we always make the effort to understand each other. 9 times out of 10, i already get where you're coming from. that's a natural result of being the same person. ^__+^

the point is, i'm really grateful to be in love with someone so close to me, someone i can almost literally mesh with, because our bond is special and worthy and wonderful— no matter what other people say. we are Double Blossom, and we're here to stay!

let it be known that halfway through this entry, you showed me the Fling Posse RPGMaker Game, which looks so cool that i hyperventilated and cried. you remarked, amazed at my complete loss of composure, that you've never seen me so excited before. i am so so so so very happy that you happened to see the game and immediately thought of me. otherwise, i'd never know about it! thank you!!

21 July 2021

a very good day

i am writing this immediately after removing your hand from my mouth, where the aftertaste still lingers on my tastebuds. ...it's a bit embarrassing to just say something like that. at the same time, i'm smiling so much that i want to leave it for the two of us to laugh at.

first, an amendment to some egregious misinformation: in my entry for the 11th of June, i called you a "greedy bitch" for asking to eat the chocolate on top of my coronet. in truth, this was not an act of greed. to me, chocolate is the worst part of ice cream, something i would do away with entirely if i could. you only sought to lighten the burden. in any case, there are much better examples of you stealing my food, so i'll let you have this one.

next, a hilarious exchange that i want to immortalise.

you: in Greek, there are two E's, right?
me: yes, there are two.
you: and two O's...?
me: in what? Grook?

i can't control myself when i think of it. we've had moments where i burst out laughing in the middle of the night and you, rudely awakened by my cackling, asked, "what? Grook??" it's just so funny... you're so funny, and when we're together i feel like a pair of proper comedians. it's so wonderful being silly every day.

for some reason my brain is scattered and it's hard to write, much less think. probably i'm just looking forward to kissing your hands again. i promise to write another entry soon since we both love this diary so much. for now, i'll close off with this:

• i love when you reach over to pet the back of my head. you told me before that whenever you do, it's because you were thinking fondly of me and need to express your appreciation. let it be known that i appreciate your appreciation. it feels so good.
• the grocery store was lots of fun today, especially putting away the spoils of our journey. i'm looking forward to cooking a big, yummy breakfast tomorrow— bacon, toast, and all 5 eggs!
• you are so good for cuddling. the best, i'd say. i love it when you hold me close with both hands on my waist, or when i sling my legs across your lap, or we rest our heads against each other. like you said, it feels very safe: like we're soaking in the very essence of protection and love.
• thank you for telling me so many wonderful things. your compliments mean the most to me, so much that i could listen to them all day. luckily you feel you could also go on and on forever... i just feel very blessed to have such an observant, kind-hearted girlfriend.
• i fall more and more in love with you each day. you mean everything to me.

please, when you finish reading, come kiss me... i want attention.

1 July 2021

our first month together: a retrospective

the long version goes like this: you are insanely fun and charming, observant and astute. i love to be around you. i feel safe with you, safer than i ever thought possible, like no hardship is too great for us to counter, like the only crushing weight in the world is your leg slung across me in your sleep as you monopolise our bed. i enjoy holding your hand. i adore looking into your eyes. the moments when we just look at each other and smile— i cherish them all. sometimes your affection gets me so excited that i just have to giggle and jump around or cling to you even tighter... at times like those, i can tell by the twinkle in your eyes that your heart feels as full as mine.

you're always looking out for me, glancing back to make sure i'm right behind you on the sidewalk lest i be bowled over by a bicyclist or automobile. when i feel ill, you take me somewhere safe and nurse me back to health. you're patient, understanding, trustworthy and forgiving. sure we have our disagreements and miscommunications— even the healthiest couples do— but things are always repaired quickly and easily. wounds soothed over by more talking, more listening, the sort of frank honesty and to-the-point insight that's so rare these days. you don't lie to me. we have nothing to hide anymore, only more and more to learn and share.

God, conflict resolution or not, just talking with you is my favourite passtime. we get up to the funniest things, don't we? and i love our running jokes— nonsense about power levels and sidequests, the food delivery service anime, and "the bad noise" that is the side effect of strong alcohol. like comedians turned multimedia artists starved for materials, we can make anything into a joke, even having a laugh at our own expense. that's one great part about sharing my whole history with you (plus having so much in common): self deprecation takes on a new level of hilarity.

besides that, you teach me so much. thanks to you, i've learned all sorts of things about books, food, language, plants, and lots more. i'm so glad that we go everywhere together, that i get to go outside with regularity, and because you're with me it's no longer scary. i truly believe that you will protect me from everything, just like you promised.

i promise, too, to do my very best for you and for our relationship. right now, at this moment, i'm sitting beside you at work— you're slacking because we're both sleepy today, reading a book called Magic Afternoon— the sky is overcast from the afternoon rain, and i know that you are the woman i'm going to marry. you are the woman i'm going to grow old with. eventually we'll live in a little house in the country with a pond and a garden and in a summer just like this one, 50 years from now, we'll go out and watch the fireflies like we do every year. the ony difference is that we'll know each other even better and have lots more stories to tell. and i'll love you so much more, too, though i'm not sure if that's really possible. i already feel quite overwhelmed by my love's massive girth... maybe i ought to get a carrying case for it.

the short version goes like this: i cannot imagine a life without you.

p.s. yesterday we got to ride the funicular, and you bought me a kazoo. i will not apologise for playing an earsplitting cover of arctic monkeys, but i will atone by serenading you so sweetly on my new ukulele. thank you for treating me to such nice gifts, taking me out to parks and cafes, letting me eat you out of house and home. the best gift of all is your presence. i will stay by your side forever.

27 June 2021

i love you as much as all the stars in the sky

yesterday, you took me one of your favourite places. we got off the train and ventured into the countryside to a little house unlike any other. the wildflowers were beautiful, the birdsong enchanting. the sun and shade went easy on us, though in the evening light we finally noticed how tan we've become.

no matter how many fireflies were around, you pointed at each little green pinprick of light with the same enthusiasm, yet you never let go of my hand. you loved seeing that turtle, too, just relaxing in the middle of the dirt road. we even got to pet her! how i love it when you make baby talk at animals (and at me). just wow, you are very, very adorable when you're excited. my title of "cutest girl in the world" may be in contest soon!!

as the night grew dimmer, i memorised the silhouette of your face in profile, walking beside me, chatting, at ease. i'll never forget the shadow of your visage on such a wonderful night. i won't forget my first look at the stars, either. thank you for sounding impressed as i spouted absolute nonsense about constellations. truth be told, i had no idea where Orion's Belt was. normally i can pick it out right away, but last night there were just so many stars! what an amazing feeling. "awestruck" doesn't even begin to describe it.

my love for you is just as boundless as the sky above. i'm so happy we went out together, that we saw a stag beetle and enjoyed the sunset. most of all, i'm happy we got to talk all night, whispering in the candlelight. you said i look the most beautiful of all... if only you could see yourself, too. then we fell asleep listening to the crickets, tangled up in an embrace befitting legendary lovers. they should carve statues of us. put double blossom in the pantheon. i'll wait.

18 June 2021

no further inquiries necessary

15 June 2021

unexpected hardship

remember in my last entry when i happily proclaimed that "cuddling is a breeze!" ? yeah, somehow, that's not exactly true— at least not anymore. the first night we spent together, there were no issues whatsoever, maybe because we were so exhausted and excited that we didn't notice. nowadays it's kinda hard to get comfy. it seems someone's arm is always trapped, or one of us can't breathe, or we're in perfect formation but it's just too hot outside to be tangled up together! woe is us! agony! strife insurmountable!

but all is not lost— i think this afternoon we discovered a nice position. when you lay on your stomach and i lay on your back, you seem to really like the pressure, so much that you fall right asleep. it's really cute! i hope that i'll find a way to rest my head in a position where i can both breathe and avoid neck cramps. maybe we'll try again tonight?

after we finish playing the latest installment of Your Turn to Die, that is! we had so much fun last night: just you, me, and an anime death game. what more can a lesbian couple ask for? i don't need marriage or adoption rights, only Shin AI.

anyways, i think i'll research comfortable cuddling positions when the couple has a significant size difference. you're a whole head taller than me, you know! i guess we just can't help being soukoku. but really, it's such a privilege, hehe, since i can perfectly bury my face in your chest, and you can use the top of my head as a chin rest. cuddling is so easy when we're standing up— even if it's just called hugging in that case!!

11 June 2021

happy day 444!

i am not updating from a seat in Twelve's lap as promised. that would be ideal, but i think sitting beside her, typing away on the computer she uses for work (as she also sits and works beside me!!!) is the next best thing. because i have yet to code a general June diary, this entry will follow the same format. and i plan to gush a little bit too! >w<

right now, a small thunderstorm is rolling over. we saw the storm clouds on our way in, and i'm overjoyed to hear the traffic sloshing through the rain. the summer has been warm, pleasant, and altogether wonderful. then again, any time spent with Twelve leaves me feeling rejuvenated and refreshed, like i'm a little window box of lilies, watered by her love. speaking of, Twelve is just as i hoped she would be: funny, charming, silly, insightful, beautiful. she brings me great joy. i keep remarking to her, "i'm so happy to be with you right now," and i mean it with all my heart, every single time.

the only surprising thing was her height! she is a bit taller than i expected, and apparently she didn't realise i'd be so short. nevertheless, we seem to fit together perfectly. cuddling is a breeze! though we've only been together for just about one week, somehow i can't imagine my life before i was at her side. the way she described it, we just naturally follow each other's lead. even when things don't go as planned, we recover easily and get along without further issue. i feel so blessed to be with someone who gets me.

now that i come to the end of this entry, i'd like to address Twelve directly (as i meant to do in the first place, as is customary for this diary, but forgot immediately upon beginning to write):

• thank you for buying me ice cream. maybe next time i'll let you have the chocolate on top even though you have your own to eat, you greedy bitch
• thank you for teaching me to use the QWERTZ keyboard— i really did need your help to find the apostrophe key!
• thank you for always listening to me and valuing my input. when we're together, it really feels like we're an unstoppable team
• thank you for looking so dashing and astute, chin in your hand, as you go about your work. the computer screen is reflected in your glasses, and i love the shape of your profile. wow. i could stare at you all day.

i love you very, very, very much. in fact i think i will kiss you soon, though you won't realise i wrote about this kiss in advance until much later. mwah!

2 June 2021

Wow Wow Wow

late last night, we had this silly exchange:

me: ah, i'm so excited to see you! we're closer than ever before!
you: yes, yes we are! that's how time works, babe

now that i'm awake, sitting up in my living room on the date of my flight, my body is overcome with a dual tingling, flip-floppy feeling, like my ride on the merry-go-round is about to end but i already can't wait to get back on. if that's not full body excitement then i dunno what is. and wow, imagine that: a plane just passed overhead! soon i'll be in one of those, on my way to you!!!

there are some more things to prepare, so i will stop this entry here. i love you. the next time i update this page, it will be from your side!!!

1 June 2021

One Day, 11 Hours, 21 Minutes

at time of writing, that is the countdown to our meeting. i love it when i catch such lovely numbers. makes me happy.

at time of writing i am also very sleepy. both of us stayed up late! and i spent the entire day preparing for the voyage that will bring me to you. it's hard work!! but you are so worth it. just be sure to kiss my shoulders since they are feeling very sore

this entry will be shamefully back dated because i have no energy left to operate a computer. i just wanna see you... wanna kiss kiss kiss and hug and fall asleep on top of you. zzzzzzz

24 May 2021

10 days to Initial Hug

the month of May has been very good to us, flying right on by like time is no obstacle. as that fateful date draws nearer, i'm realising that my excitement is boundless. the Five of the past thought that buying the plane tickets was a hoot? well wait til she hears about the gravitational pull i am literally feeling on my body right now, like Heaven and Earth have erupted into a chorus of "Kiss the Girl!"

10 days. just 10 more days and i'll be in your arms. next week i could be updating this page while i sit in your lap. what a privilege it is to even imagine it. i think "physical proximity to Twelve (intimate)" belongs on Mr. Maslow's funny pyramid— but only mine. i'm territorial.

also, i'm recording it here just so we don't forget: let's play our favourite games every year for our anniversary! they're what brought us together, after all, so i'm really glad that you suggested it. we can even read them aloud like the glorified storybooks they are.

8 May 2021

it's 1 o'clock sharp

without intending to, i got into a groove and stayed up all night working on a webpage to showcase the reasons why i love you. you were snoring in my ear all the while— a great passive morale boost, honestly— and even though i felt a bit sleepy at times, my affection sustained me. do you think they could make energy drinks out of pure love? or just a drink in general? (leave your dirty jokes at the door, ma'am!!!) i think if you turned my love into a beverage, it would taste like orange juice, but it'd be pink-coloured and look a little bit frothy. yum.

anyways, i'm really pleased with how the new page came out! i made sure to use your favourite colours, and i've been dying to show off those sanrio graphics. the content of the list itself is greatly improved from the previous version, too. i hope that it's to your liking!!

sometime soon, i'll upgrade it so it will work on mobile. for now, i'm going cross-eyed because my springtime allergies are eating my eyeballs from the inside... i wish you were here to kiss them better. and while i'm making demands, i want to cuddle too.

1 May 2021

domestic life is soon upon us...

three reasons why the way you said "goodnight, sweetie" touched my heart:

1. you sounded very tired. i think your sleepy voice is cute, especially because it's nice and deep.
2. using pet names for each other has become totally natural. long gone are the days where i kept a tally for each time you called me "baby"
3. it felt good, and sweet, and right, and i could perfectly imagine it being the last thing i heard before we both dozed off for the night.

i love you so much. i can't wait to fall asleep and wake up in your arms every single day.

28 April 2021

a message to Twelve on our 400th day, whispered sonorously in her ear (please imagine it babe)

wow, where do i even begin? i guess a good place to start is "i love you. i love you so very much, more than i ever thought possible, and i feel closer to you than any other creature in the universe." a loaded phrase, surely, but if i could communicate all that to you in a split second every single morning, i would! maybe we need an acronym. for now, "hiiiii honey" will have to suffice.

can you believe we've made it to our 400th day? 100 was a milestone, too. i wonder what 700 will look like, and 1,200, and 3,000... how many days are in 60 more years? i'll do the math and get back to you. ... ok, it's 21,915. thank you calculator!

just, wow. so many days going by, each one filled with enough love and laughter to make my heart spill over— yet today i feel impossibly closer to you, moreso than ever. if there is a maximum threshhold capacity for love, then by now i think we've broken the laws of physics. just wait til they hear about our atoms getting mixed up.

we're doing good work. we know that we are right for each other. we are so much better together than apart: stronger, healthier, happier, more relaxed. you make the world make sense. as we've said time and time again, we're becoming our best selves for each other. i'm so proud of you and all the progress you've made, all the revelations you've had. God knows you've helped me just as much. i suffer to think where i would be without you.

every day, our bond grows deeper and deeper. we learn more about ourselves and each other and our place in the world, who and what we can be as a team. Soukoku wishes they had what we have! no matter our differences or our difficult days, we always come back stronger. like all things worthwhile, love is often messy. but when i'm with you? i love digging through the mess to find what works.

for the past 4 days, i've worked diligently to dedicate yet another corner of the web to you and our love. you may notice this edition is especially cute, flashy, and silly. that's because you've encouraged me to be unapologetic and outspoken, to embrace myself and love myself with the same passion and understanding that you offer to me. i hope that you like it! seeing as you giggled and blushed so cutely when i showed you the previews, i'm sure the reception will be extremely positive. (plus, you made me cackle first thing in the morning with your commentary on the SKK crêpe pic. yes i am easily amused. yes you are insanely funny and sexy.)

thank you for being so interesting, amazing, lovable, and wonderful, my beautiful darling, that i could create 4 (four!!!) webpages in your dedication. i love you and i love making pretty things— so this is the perfect way to combine my interests. how lucky! i hope that you can feel my adoration seeping out through the carebears pixels. they're smiling and waving and saying "Five is here for you!" because i am. and i'm never going anywhere that you can't reach me.