hey dad,

lots of people drive jeeps. every timei see one, no matter the make or model, i think of you. they all seem to have that distinctive grill face thing in the front, so i can spot them very easily. sometimes i think a car is a jeep but it's not and i feel disappointed. it's the same feeling i get when i want to tell you, hey dad, i thought of you today, but i cant. no one will ever tell you anything again. what's it like being so unreachable? what's it like being dead? i wish you could tell me, but the loss of communication goes both ways

im sorry we haveng seem much of each other lately. im sorry i screened your calls. im sorry i didnt listen to most of the music you told me about. im sorry i dont like smoking. im sorry you couldnt meet my wife. im sorry i was too afraid of cameras to take photos of myself, and then by the time my psychosis lessened i was simply too shy. how many years passed without you seeing me smile? what am i supposed to do with all these happy memories that i can't ever share with you?

im crying. im writing this on the train home from my job that you didnt hear much about and im crying.

my sister says you were proud of me. i believe her. im proud of me too.

please wherever you are now, be proud of me too.