27 October, 2022

ok so... one last thing

i made such a dramatic goodbye only to return so soon! oops! it's honestly a little embarrassing, i hope you don't mind. but the thing is i've been thinking about coming back for a long time. even before i said goodbye in March, i'd been thinking about it. after all, though it's only been ~6 months since my last post, it's actually been a whole year since i was last making any regular updates.

CSS is my favourite hobby, you know, so even though i wasn't active online, i never stopped making webpages. i'd just do it all locally, never uploading it anywhere or showing anyone at all. while that scratches my creative itch, the energy loop feels incomplete— squandered, even. my target audience will always be myself and myself alone, but that doesn't mean that i need to hide away from everyone else. honestly, i have a lot of pride in my work, so i want to show it off! that's just what it means to be human: the desire to connect with others, to share yourself, to feel seen and perhaps even be understood. plus, apparently you guys like what i have to share! my returning to neocities is like a perfect "everybody wins" scenario.

well, everybody except for those of you who wished death on me. and about that: i love neocities, the drama doesn't bother me, and i don't mind getting hate comments. if that's your perogative, then fine, whatever. do your best to get it through the curse word filter, ok? even when people disagree, i firmly believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. it just so happens that your opinion is detrimental to women and children as a whole, so i have no tolerance for it.

i have always been openly feminist and gender critical. i never made any attempt to hide it nor do i think it's something i should be ashamed of. while i think i made my views pretty obvious even before releasing my unfinished desistance essay, i don't expect anyone to close-read my site or have encyclopedic knowledge of everything i've ever said, so i get it if you just never noticed. now that everyone has noticed... what will you do now?

just as you're entitled to your own opinion about me or anyone else, you're free to change that opinion as you discover new information or draw new conclusions. in fact i encourage everyone reading this to be a healthy skeptic so you can make informed decisions about your own boundaries. if you feel that i'm a horrible person and you don't want to read my blog, i'm not holding you hostage here! just don't act like i betrayed you. if we've never spoken one on one, then i literally don't know who you are. to me, you're just text on a screen, and i don't owe you anything.

to anyone with whom i was in direct contact: if you ever worried that because i'm a feminist, then maybe i secretly hated you all along, i'm very sorry for any hurt i caused. my problem lies with gender ideology as a whole, not you as an individual. if we ever conversed or i left comments in your guestbook, then i genuinely liked and respected you. all told i probably still think you're great! plus my true rage and hatred is aimed only at men, and no one i've met through neocities fits that bill (imagine talking to men, lmfao), so none of you have anything to worry about.

if me being a feminist means you no longer like me or want to associate with me, i totally understand. if you think feminism is evil or dangerous and that i deserve to be punished, then i don't want to associate with you either. if it's just an issue of optics, and in fact you and i share the same values but you fear the consequences of being open about your beliefs...

well, i understand that, too. but also, what's the worst thing that would happen to you if you were brave enough to speak up? to use my case as an example, here are all the awful things that happened to me:

that's it. that's literally it. and nobody even said anything that actually frightened me or hurt my feelings. yes there is often real danger in being an outspoken feminist, but only IRL. on here i'm anonymous: nobody knows my face, where i live or work, or my real name. and nobody is going to go to extreme lengths to dox me because that's male behaviour and my audience is 99.9% female.

if your internet presence is similarly untethered to your real identity, you have nothing to lose. if you really care about feminism, furthering the cause and raising female class consciousness, then you'll speak up. that's why i do it, and i sincerely hope that all you closeted feminists will do the same! but i can't tell you what to care about. some of you will always prefer to hide.

me, though? on God i am DONE hiding! as i've already said, i'm not bothered by backlash from people online, and just to make it clear, i didn't leave because of the rude comments made about me. by the time that started, i was already long gone. my departure was driven entirely by my fear of my real-life abuser.

except i'm not afraid of her anymore. alive or dead, stalking me or not, I DON'T CARE! i refuse to be controlled by ideas of what she might say or do. my life stopped revolving around her a long time ago, and it's high time i shook myself free of the last of her influence. i won't allow my passions or my connections with the world to be stymied for one second longer.

because so much of 5amgf was dedicated to her and about our life together, i still want to dissociate myself from this website. to rebrand, if you will. the content of my new website is much the same as this one (i.e. pretty pages and blogging) so i have no doubt fans of this place will enjoy it just as much. plus there is an added layer of creativity as i devote more space to showcasing my own artwork and stories. and on top of that, i'm sharing some stickers/graphics that i think are super cute! if nothing else, go look at those!!!

well this has been a rollercoaster ride of an update, huh? don't worry, it's almost over. before i link you to my new website, i just want to say thank you to everyone who missed me, wished me well, said kind words to or about me, or defended me in my guestbook. it's in part because of this kindness that i feel ready to return to the internet, and a big reason why i want to do it at all. so thank you! i appreciate all of you and i'm grateful for your support.

with this, the saga of 5amgirlfriend is truly complete. but all endings are beginnings, as well; with death comes rebirth, and new life takes form in a green-hearted sequel:

thank you for your time. i hope you'll have a good morning, every morning, until the end of your days.

bye bye~