Day 5: 27 December

Things I Did Instead of Eating

i slept a lot, read a lot... it's easiest to restrict when i just stay in my room, engrossed in something more important than food. strictly speaking, all things are more important than food, but you get the gist.

(people are getting on my case again, telling me to eat "real food," and i agree! i'm better off having beans than this dumbass scone i was swindled into tasting... but i just don't want to eat at all. if i lose too much weight, will i get in trouble? i'd prefer to live peacefully, minding my own business. why is existing so uncomfortable?)

the meatloaf was leftover from christmas dinner, and it was quite delicious, but i shudder to think of all the invisible calories. i didn't witness its preparation, so call i can do is pray that the damage is what i suspect.

weighed myself this morning, too. 91.8lb (41.6kg) and it's... devastating, to say the least, even though it included a bit of food weight. i'd been avoiding the scale for too long. it's good to have a tangible reality check. i think my thighs are getting fat again, too. thank goodness i'm getting this back under control before they start to touch.

Day 4: 26 December

Updating late, but...!

it was a pretty good day. drank water (not enough), licked salt instead of eating, didn't give in to silly temptations. i made the horrendous mistake of not counting my fruit, tallying up the individual pieces, and just eyeballed it instead while hoping for the best... i'm pretty sure i was still under my BMR so nothing bad will happen!

that granola cereal will be the death of me. i'm very glad that it's gone (because i at the last of it... ....) because now i can't eat anymore! lots of fiber and protein but sooo high calorie, and chewing it hurts my teeth!!

Day 3: 25 December

it was Christmas.

there was nothing i could do.

Day 2: 24 December

tomorrow, i'll be expected to eat a big Christmas dinner. i'm not really looking forward to it. shared meals are difficult... but i think it will be okay. logistically, i should prepare for it by eating very little today. since i had a cookie for breakfast (110) and it hurt my stomach, i'd better steer clear of food for the day.

i ought to write some more. it was really fun, especially when there's not much else to do. i can make up any story that i want and nobody can stop me. isn't that sort of thing meant to feel freeing? to me, it's just awkward, and scary somehow. but still i do it. i hope that no one hates me for it.

Day 1: 23 December

Things I Did Instead of Eating: i took a shower!! and once i was all clean, i got to work doing important things. now, neocities has captured my attention. even though my stomach has been growling, i steadfastly sat at my desk and designed this page. i'm learning all sorts of things about CSS tables. i'm really glad that they're no longer used for page layout purposes. there's so many different elements to keep track of!

i also wrote a lot. the "500 words penance" for thinking about food is surprisingly effective. both times i've used that tactic, i went beyond the initial threshhold. today i wrote 1,500 words in one sitting! it's really fun. i couldn't pull myself away.

some time has passed since then, and i've written a lot more. it's nice to just get words on the page without stressing about doing a good job. my stomach really hurts though, like a diabolical mix of cramps and indigestion. i'll grab a heating pad and drink some more water, then head off to bed.

600 calories is quite a lot, but much better than how i've been eating before. hopefully someday soon i'll be back to eating nearly nothing at all.