guess what!!! we finally have a date for my trip to come visit Twelve! on the 2nd of June, i'll begin my journey, and on the 3rd we'll be in each other's arms! i'm so excited!!! can you tell? i need to punctuate all my sentences with exclamation points!!!
i've already bought my tickets... uwah, it's so amazing that it's really happening. whenever i think about it, i can't help but grin. i love the way Twelve giggles when she talks about finally holding me in her arms. she also remarked that this will be a whole new dimension to get to know each other. can you believe we've been in love for more than a year, yet haven't had the chance to gaze into each other's eyes? i'm really, really excited to learn even more about her. i want to know all her little mannerisms.
there's so much more to say, but i feel like i can't get it properly on the page. nonetheless, i'll try! i know that it's better to try and fail and appreciate what i managed to do than just give up without a real effort... so here goes:
because we act silly with each other, we have all sorts of funny ideas for things to do and contests to have. and we want to go lots of interesting places that we wouldn't normally go by ourselves, like the zoo and the aquarium and the botanical garden, and tourist attractions too. we'll get to play lots of games together and watch our favourite shows... and cook together, and go out to eat, and share every single one of our meals at the same table. we'll hug and kiss and cuddle and basically be joined at the hip. i'm not letting her out of my sight for even one second!
it's just so amazing to me... i'm in awe that we already know so much about each other and have been so honest and forthcoming and intimate without ever really touching... there are so many things that we've yet to learn about each other. bit by bit, we'll discover them all. this summer will be amazing for sure.
i'm probably going to explode when we meet in the airport. if not explode, i'll melt into a puddle and she'll have to scoop me into a courtesy cup to take me home. i just love her so much. i can't wait to see her.
i want to put a countdown somewhere on this page! (only 38 more days!) or maybe i can make a whole new one? as much as i love this design, maybe there are some things that i could improve or change. Twelve always says that variety is the spice of life, so i bet she would be excited to see a new design!
yesterday, Twelve and i discovered The Gottman Institute, a husband and wife duo who research love and marriage. their website hosts a lot of insteresting articles and we're slowly working our way through the most relevant of them. i'm especially fascinated by the concept of "turning towards, instead of away." i remember reading an abridged version years ago and wanting to know more, so imagine my surprise when Twelve linked me the original researchers behind it!
i really hope that we can play the 52 Questions Before Marriage game this summer. i hope that there are some things we've yet to discuss! it would be pretty hilarious to go through all the cards only to realise that we've talked about all of it already. then again, if there are 52 of them, there should be at least a few new things.
continually, i am surprised and flabbergasted by couples who don't talk to each other about important things like their values, goals, or expectations. apparently, most couples hardly talk to each other at all! what do they even do then? i feel like even a staring contest would be too intimate for those types.
that's why i'm thankful for my Twelve who loves to talk just as much as i do. day by day, we're learning more about ourselves and each other— and who we can be together. last night, she said that the Gottman Institute says that the goal is to love your partner more on your 50th anniversary than the day you were married. seems doable. after all, Twelve enchants me more and more each day.
oh my God, i love Twelve so much. talking with her is the most rewarding part of my day. all i want to do is spend time with her, whether we are hanging out and chatting, playing games or something, or just sitting quietly doing our own things. she enriches my life like nothing else.
i feel exactly like the little succulent i got for my birthday. when i received it, the leaves were very weak and thin, liable to fall off at any moment. after a little pruning and some water and a couple days of sunlight, it now looks so strong and healthy and happy. this morning i pet its leaves and told it how happy i am to see it in good health after such a short time...!
and that's how i feel now. i'm surprised that i can feel so happy, so loved, so fulfilled and excited for the future. after spending my whole life— even in childhood— drifting from one morose day to the next, feeling scared and listless and unsure, this is just... glorious. it's stupendous. it's exhilerating. my usual adjectives (wonderful, lovely, amazing) just don't cut it. this is so much bigger, so much more important than anything i've ever experienced.
Twelve changed my life. she continues to change it for the better, with all her support and encouragement and gentleness and love. finally, i know why i'm alive and i feel it with such certainty that my heart could burst. we are two blossoms upon the same stem, blooming together, righteously and beautifully. i adore her so.
technically, our anniversary was yesterday. but can you blame me for wanting to spend that time with Twelve instead of writing in my diary? in the end, we just had a nice, normal day together. Twelve went to sleep early because she needed the rest, and honestly her getting a good night's sleep is the best anniversary gift i could ask for. such a precious girl. i want to take care of her in times like these.
so, today is day 367 in our love saga... i'm hoping for many, many more. it'll be so fun to hit all the angel numbers, and other ones that we enjoy. since i like squares, i remember that day 144 was a really lucky day for Twelve! and i can't remember what we did on day 222, but i bet it was delightful. what does day 444 have in store for us, i wonder?
i can't wait to find out. i want to spend lots and lots more time together. just this morning, we were remarking that we could talk to each other endlessly without running out of topics. forever is a long time... let's see how close we can get to it ^.^
can you believe it? Twelve and i have been together for a quite a while now, and i'm grateful for every day leading up to our first anniversary. all my best days have been with her. my heart warms just thinking of the life we'll have together. we're really going to make it, you know? when it's the two of us together, nothing can possibly stand in our way.
i want to continue nurturing our relationship and strengthening our bond. i think the first year is very important for building good foundations, and that we have! if i could pick only a few things, i'd say that our relationship is based on likemindedness, mutual comfort, and trust. because we share a lot of the same values— especially core values that are not easily swayed— i feel confident that as we mature and change, our growth with be complementary.
more than anything, i want to stay by her side. Twelve is the one whom i care for deeply, so deeply that i'm not sure how to articulate it. she just makes sense, you know? a life with her feels natural, fated, like the reason i've survived this long. with conviction, i can say that i want to be with her for the rest of my life. and i feel determined to make that happen. i'll do everything in my power to create the future that we both deserve.
i love her. i hope that we can chat again soon. today seems to be a busy day for both of us, so we might have to wait until the evening. even so, i'm satisfied because my sleepy memory of our last conversation is just kissy noises, and her calling me "sweetheart."
she loves me. she really does. and i love her too.
last weekend, i spent some time reading a relationship advice book, called Lesbian Couples by Merilee Cunnis and Dorsey Green. they've both got PhDs, but the book itself is an easy read. while the concepts can be complex, the language itself is simple and easy to understand. so far, i'm really enjoying it!
i've been highlighting things that i want to talk about with Twelve. there's some really good advice in there. on top of that, lots of things that i know we already do. and then, there are just some interesting ideas that i'd love to discuss together. she is my most favourite conversational partner. one thing she always says she likes about me is how i offer her new perspectives on even the most mundane things. of course, she does the same for me. that's one reason why we never get bored of each other.
tonight we'll get to spend the evening together again! i'm really looking forward to it and the conversations that we'll have. in general, when i'm thinking about my future, i feel at ease because i know Twelve will be by my side. sometimes things will be difficult and stressful, but i can always count on her. we're a team, the type who can tackle anything as long as we're together.
i want to tell the rest of my family about her. we've been together for almost a year now (just two more weeks til the anniversary!) and i feel very serious about her. i hope that Twelve can meet all of them bit by bit, and get to know everyone, and become part of the family... ah, she's so precious. i love her. i'm going to tell her so right now.
... oh, actually it seems i've already left her like 5 texts while she's busy working. ahaha. i'll tell her later! my feelings will only grow stronger in the interim.
i've been busy today doing chores and homework and stuff, but if i'm honest, it's all just killing time until i can be with Twelve. she is the sweetest girl in the world! i want to see her soon! at the time of writing, it should be just another half hour, maybe a bit more. i wanna hear her voice. i wanna say "hello" and "hi" back and forth for a good 20 seconds. i wanna make her smile, and even though i won't be seeing her face, i can always hear it in her voice! i want to hang out and have a nice evening... i wonder what we'll do today?
she remarked earlier that we're getting stronger everyday. i think it's true. "like a kaleidoscope, and the more you look it just gets deeper and deeper," i said. Twelve told me that's a good way to describe it. i'm already so happy with her, even at this distance. i can't wait until we are together for real! it'll be even better than a daydream.
on the phone with Twelve, my beloved, and i want to commit this small exchange to memory.
5: "I love you more than words can express."
5: "And I know a lot of words."
12: "Thank you for the clarification sweetheart."
she's the best... truly... okay, no more typing, i have a wonderful girlfriend to converse with!!!
Twelve and i have taken to leaving the phone on all night and just sleeping that way. i like listening to her snoring, hehe. it's more like deep breathing than snoring, but i'm not sure of a better shorthand... anyways, by the morning we're always awake at the same times, against all odds. i'm sure to see her off before she heads out for the day, and usually i sleep a bit more afterwards. more than anything, it's comfortable. cozy! i'm really happy we get to spend so much time together.
she's remarked a couple times that we're so close and we know almost everything about each other, yet every conversation is fun and unique. i think it's very rare to meet someone you can converse with so endlessly and about so many different topics. i couldn't even guess what we'll be talking about tonight, that's how random it can be. what's most important, and what's guaranteed, is that Twelve and i will be calmed by each other's voices. calling her at night is like coming home...
the plans we've been making about seeing each other over the summer are coming to fruition in unexpected ways. i hope that things will go smoothly. knowing us, we'll overcome any hardship that comes our way. we are a team, after all! the formidable double blossom! i feel very confident in our bond. somehow, it's like everything's going to be alright.
p.s., very excited for our first anniversary! when March comes around, i'll be sure to ask if she'd like to exchange gifts. i wonder what i might get for her? personally, i'd like a kiss!!! but it will have to be redeemed in the summertime.
Twelve smiled at me when i took off my glasses. she makes my insides feel like an Artic Monkeys song, one with chunky guitars and nonsense lyrics. i wanna hang out again soon!
Twelve and i have been playing OMORI together and it's really really fun. it reminds me a lot of our time in the summer playing End Roll except this time, i am the guide! like the fairy navi, gently reminding her to heal the party and pointing out hidden items. i like it a lot. it's nice to be helpful!
the best part is hearing her reactions and extrapolating what her face looks like... she has the cutest smile when she's laughing, so i'm always happy when the jokes make her giggle.
i hope we can play again soon! and to play lots more games together in the future. Barnyard is in my future for sure >:+)
i love it when she whistles along to the healing jingle sound effect. adorable. if Twelve was a bird, i'd listen to her sing every day.
the very first poem i wrote for Twelve is called "surmounting tribulation" and goes something like this:
a gentle word for calming respite
your hand to hold amid the tempest
remind me once lest we forget it
soukoku fandom is a cesspit
i can't say i agree anymore, seeing as once i stumble upon a single piece of fanart it's like my brain gets hotwired and i need to see more. trapped over and over again in the soukoku mines... but i wouldn't trade it for the world. i'm glad we have a fun pairing that we both enjoy!!! the 2.0 gigabytes of collected fanart are simply a testament of our love!!!!
i miss her. Twelve, if you can feel this somehow: sleep well, have a sweet dream, and come talk to me again soon. i love you.
we spent the night together (literally just professing our love to each other for 5 full hours) and my heart is still glowing. i feel like i won't stop smiling for days. after missing her so much, i felt so spoiled to have her attention. simply put, Twelve is the most wonderful girl in the world. i'm beyond lucky to have her. where would we be right now if not for each other's continued care and support? it's a speculation i can't even comprehend. i need her like i need oxygen.
feels so soft. i love her lots. my favourite thing is making her laugh... i love seeing her smile, feeling proud that i'm the one who put it there... ah, i want to talk again soon.
not exaggerating: i could cry just from the residual happiness. even if she claims she's not good with words, she really blows me away sometimes. i hope that i can hold onto these memories, little snippets of audio, and play them back in my mind whenever we're apart. i love her so very much.
it goes without saying that every song i hear automatically makes me think of Twelve. even when they're not love songs, i'll wonder to myself if she'd like the tune and contemplate sharing it with her. things like that. of course, most songs are about love anyway... so any time i spend listening to music, i also spend thinking of Twelve.
after some years, i'm listening to Rachie's English version of PinocchioP's "I'm Glad You're Evil Too" again. i knew the very first time that i heard it that it would be an important song even if the lyrics were not quite applicable yet. so i set it aside— and now i get to rediscover it, in a way! all my old premonitions seem to come true when Twelve is involved... but that's just destiny, is it not?
i especially like the final chorus. "When the day starts anew, I hope I spend it with you. I'm glad that I fell in love with you." it's the kind of line that makes my heart hurt in a really good way. like how Death Cab for Cutie's "Transatlanticism" shakes my very soul, just with more synthesisers and wordy Japanese to English translyrics. it's a rare feeling, as irreplaceable as loving Twelve herself.
i hope she sleeps peacefully tonight and that the morning goes smoothly. i want to see her soon...
today, Twelve said to me "i love you endlessly." that's a really apt way to put it.
ah, i love Twelve. i miss her! since i can't hear her voice for a little while, i'm just reading everything i write in her cute accent. it's really nice. i can even replicate her laughter in my head. maybe one day she'll read this entry to me aloud and i can compare my impression to the real deal.
i think someday we should watch Hyouka together. the art is so adorable and i remember enjoying the episodic storylines, as well. i bet she'll really like Hokuto, the lazy son of a bitch. his relationship with Eru is so cute, too! kind of like us, in a way? we'll have to see. it's been a while since i last watched it.
we spent all of yesterday together. it was so nice to relax in each other's company... i love her so much. i can't wait to hold her for real!!!
lots of people pose this question, and i feel like the general consensus is "no." i read somewhere that unconditional love would be unfulfilling even if it did exist. in that person's mind, it equates to overlooking your loved one's bad behaviour, taking them for granted, and not caring about them— all in the name of keeping up the facade of a false, fairy-tale love. to me, that's nonsense... here are my thoughts:
Not caring about or paying attention to someone is the opposite of unconditional love. True love fully recognises a person's flaws and chooses to embrace them even in times of struggle. Of course you should encourage your loved one's growth and help them make healthy choices. It's important to hold them accountable, too, when they mess up. True love simply means that no matter how often they fail, you recognise that as unavoidable human error and continue to support them.
I don't think that's codependency or unhealthy fixation. Plenty of people confuse those situations as love… If the "unavoidable human error" is a pattern of awful crimes with intent to harm, if your safety and morality are constantly undermined, then the relationship must be reevaluated. You cannot unconditionally love someone who does not love you in return.
That's because it has to go both ways. True love is not an internal feeling, but a shared experience. A connection. Like any relationship, it requires time, patience, communication, and trust. Though it's not always easy or straightforward or sensible, it's real. True love exists.
and i know it because that's what i have with my precious Twelve. i love her so much, more deeply than anything. she means the world to me.
she's so cute. she makes me smile and laugh so easily!! my best moments are spent with Twelve and i wouldn't trade them for the world. i love talking with her and being sweet with her and listening and learning all i can... maybe i repeat myself too often in this diary, but these are the things i think about most.
the other day, i found some vocaloid songs that i think she'll really like. i'll be sure to share them with her when we have time. for now, i think i'll lay down and daydream of her.
when Twelve says my name... ah, it's so wonderful. just from thinking about it, i'm smiling. it feels like a real blessing to know someone as thoroughly as we know each other. and yet we're still learning more and more! that's the beauty of new experiences, right?
sometimes i wish we could see the whole world together. but even then, the tiny bit that we're privy to... it's more than enough for me. after all, of everything in the universe, Twelve matters to me the most. it doesn't matter where i am so long as i'm with her.
i wanna chat with her again soon. i'm sure she's gonna make me laugh the next time i see her! when we're together, everything feels so much easier. i wanna bask in that feeling as much as i can.
we've been so lovey dovey lately, making all sorts of exciting plans... i'm so happy. thinking about our future makes my heart pound! i keep asking myself, is it real? will we manage it? can i really have something so wonderful?
so far it seems the answer is yes it's real, yes we will manage it, and yes! all those wonderful things will really happen for us. i've never wished for anything with such fervency. it already feels like living in a dream.
if that's true, that i really am dreaming... there's no need to wake me up. i'm content with just this. ah, Twelve... we have beautiful days ahead of us. i'm so in love with you.
Twelve doesn't snore, but i do love the sound of her breathing when she sleeps. it's really calming... i could listen to it forever. well, maybe not forever. i would hope that Twelve woke up sometimes so we could talk and have fun together. so i'll adjust my calculation: i could listen to Twelve sleep for about 33% of forever.
last night we talked lots and lots, all the way until bedtime. wouldn't it be nice if i could lay my head on her chest and listen to her heartbeat? i want to see her again soon.
i love her. i'm right to love her. no matter what happens to us... no matter how painful it gets... i'll struggle all i have to. when it's for her sake, i can endure anything. i trust in my love for Twelve. everything has been in preparation for our happy ending.
call me dramatic, foolish, obsessed... who am i to argue? all i know is that i won't turn my back upon destiny.
i'm happy for the little things, these days. just chatting every day is enough to lift my spirits. maybe sometime soon we'll get to talk on the phone again. it's true... i miss Twelve, but that can't be helped for now. she still makes me smile all the time.
oh, and we did get to watch Garfield! it was just as funny and cute as i had hoped. i wanna sing the sea shanty together someday!! and i thought about Minecraft earlier, too... it would be cute if we could go back to Soukohama and dig in the mines together again. ^w^
it'll be belated, but i hope that sometime next week, Twelve and i can watch Halloween movies. im excited to be included in the annual Garfield viewing party!!! i can't really recall any Halloween movies i liked as a kid, but maybe we could find a couple Goosebumps episodes or something... or maybe watch Spirited Away since that's a kind of "scary" Ghibli movie, hehe.
and then there's that Umibe no Etranger OVA that we were waiting to watch with subtitles. by now, i'm sure someone has gotten around to subbing it. that could be a fun date night!!!
i wanna talk to her again soon. i miss her lately.
today, i finished styling a new "reasons to love her" page. i've done good work, if i do say so myself!!! the best part, i think, is rereading the list that i initially wrote. it must have been some time in may or june, right? and yet so much of it still rings true! on my first revisit, i thought "wow, what could i possibly add? the Five of the past covered everything!"
of course, i did think of a few things to add. they're snuggled into the original list where they belong. i'm sure if i wanted to, i could go on and on and on forever... maybe i would repeat myself a lot, but most certainly, i never tire of talking to and about Twelve.
i wonder if Twelve knows that sometimes i think of her face and smile. like this morning, i was just going about my business when, as usual, my thoughts drifted to her. she occupies a very large portion of my brain, after all!! so, i imagined her cute smiling face... and i couldn't help but feel happy, too. my ambition for the day is to give her at least one little giggle. she makes me laugh all the time, so it's only fair.
yesterday marks seven months of dating for Twelve and i we've come quite a long way, i think. and since i'm redesigning all of 5amgf, of course my absolute favourite corner of the web will have an upgrade, too! as it is now, this page is unfinished and a little sloppy... but i'm really excited to fix it up!