December 30th

time of day: falling asleep
mood: content

today was a pretty laid-back day, despite the cold. i feel odd— like i'm encased in gelatin and so is time itself. maybe i just need to get more sleep of the restful sort.

neocities makes me really happy. i've been setting up my diary for january, and making sure that it's all finished in advance! i know that if i slack on the design like i did for december, i'll never finish, no matter how novel my concepts. in any case, i'm really excited to use it. i've themed it around my all-time favourite thing right now...! so what could go wrong?

i want to surround myself with nice things that make me happy. i've been granted permission to live, or rather it's been renewed(?) so i feel mostly at peace. i can do fun things. i can do nice things. it's ok to pursue a good feeling. i'm allowed.

it would also be nice to make one of those cute 88x31 buttons... and maybe list my email, too? maybe a guestbook would be nice. well, we'll see! i have plenty of time to think about things.

December 27th

time of day: the curtains are shut
mood: warm tea, aching tho

a couple days ago, it rained all night and washed away the snow! it's still a bit chilly now, but the sun has been out. it's quite pleasant, nice enough to keep the window open. then again, i seem to prefer things on the colder side...

today, i played the ukulele again for the first time in a long while. my left hand is already stinging from the barre chords. it was fun! i played all the old songs that i used to love (and annoy everybody with), all those years ago when making music alone in my room was my best hobby. i doubt any of those recordings have survived, but it's for the best. maybe i can make new ones. right now, my favourite song to sing is "listen before i go" by Billie Eilish. her voice is a little deeper than my own so, in their original keys, all her songs are out of my range! luckily, i was able to transpose this one into a comfortable key. i hope i can sing it often and even memorise it.

i've been writing more, too! i even finished something!!! as in: the narrative is complete and it has an ending and no gaps! big progress for someone like me!!! it's a little embarrassing how enthralled i am by it, since i keep reading it over and over again and giving it little tweaks. it's great for a second draft. maybe i'll do a full rewrite for the third one, looking at it from a different angle? the ending, for sure, could use some reworking.

it's a shame i didn't use this journal more, because the Happy Shape line sticker sets are too adorable. maybe i can incorporate them elsewhere on 5amgf.

December 22nd

time of day: want to sleep
mood: neck ache

it snowed a lot last week, enough that there are still piles of it all around. on the street corners of major intersections, the snow is practically mountainous. the sun came out again today, though, so i think it will start to melt soon. hopefully there won't be too much flooding as a result.

my grades were better than expected, so i can rest easy knowing i've been a decent student. my winter class seems quite simple, too. i have very little to worry about academically, so it's just a matter of keeping my head down and doing my best to get through each day.

i'm not particularly excited for Christmas or the New Year, but maybe it will have a chance to be fun. 2021 is a nice number, isn't it? perhaps it will bring good luck to write it out so often.

i truly believe that everything will be okay, even if it takes a while to get there. for just a little bit, i hope to feel content.

December 9th

time of day: so dark, it feels ancient
mood: snapped harp string

today i walked great distances and spent a lot of money. i'm proud because i was lost in the snow for an hour but everything worked out in the end. as for the snow itself, it did not stick and i'm sure by now it's completely melted... but the fountain has frozen over! that's one of the true hallmarks of winter.

all in all it was a pretty okay day. i could complain, but i won't ! soon the year will be over, which is a bit difficult to believe. i wonder if Christmas will be nice. i wonder if New Years will be nice. i have a feeling that, as usual, they'll just be days like any other.

i just finished writing up a very poorly done essay, upon which i am sure to receive decent marks. i'm really excited for school to be over! it'll be a nice vacation, even if there are still a couple things to take care of. i want to have fun... it's hard, but i want to.

December 8th

time of day: very bright uwah
mood: satiated

i think today is a pretty good day. the sky is all white in that special, wintery way. i'll take a short walk through the cold and then get back in bed where i belong!

most of yesterday evening, i spent writing. it was really nice to sit back and enjoy it! i hope that i can tell compelling stories... once classes end, i'll have a lot more time to devote to pleasant things like that. maybe i can look into new hobbies as well? there are so many things in this world that i can learn thanks to the internet. we'll see!

for now, time to wash up and head out.

December 6th

time of day: kinda golden mostly blue
mood: surprisingly fine!

today is another laid back day. though the air is chilly, the window is open and i'm not too cold. it's hard to believe we're just a few weeks away from Christmas when the weather is so warm. i've been hoping for snow, but now i wonder if we'll have any at all...

aside from that, i've been writing a bit. it's really fun! because i have so many ideas but lose steam after a while, it's difficult to finish anything. but writing something is always better than nothing, isn't it? in any case, it's a much more fulfilling time sink than aimless web browsing.

since the fall semester is almost finished, i'm slacking a bit. in the end, it really doesn't matter, right? i'll still try to end on a good note with my professors, but other than that i think i'm oficially done giving it my all. scaling back from 90% effort to about 60%.

i don't want to worry about anything at all. i want to have fun every day. i want to live in a nicer world...

December 5th

time of day: the lamp is on
mood: truck-flattened worm

today was warm enough to keep my window open! i had a fun time laying in bed all morning! it's a nice day to relax and not think about work! my afternoon with Twelve was really lovely! the laundry is almost done!

those are all really great things about today. but also i feel completely terrible. i can't live like this any longer, doing things that are obviously counterproductive to my values. i know it's wrong and wasteful b ut i don't stop... i feel weird, like i can't understand anything at all.

it'd be nice if i could leave these habits behind. next time i feel like i'm doing something stupid, i'll channel that energy into something nicer!

i miss reading lots of different books, especially since i've got a whole collection on my phone. and some neglected library books, too. even though i never finished any, it was so very fun writing little stories. and of course, i can always take a walk to clear my mind. or design new pages in neocities!

just writing out a list of activities that i enjoy has brightened my mood. funny how that works, huh? i think i will be okay. the truck-flattened worm is still wriggling.

December 3rd

time of day: sky grey, kinda chilly
mood: my feet are asleep X__+X

school is boring and really, really hard! well, not hard inasmuch as time consuming... i wish i did not put things off until the last moment. but then again, i had lots of fun procrastinating didn't i? and it will all work out in the end, regardless.

it's cold again today. the sun was out earlier, but my fingers went numb all the same. makes me feel sleepy. i just wanna get in bed! even though there's still work to do, i think i'm done for the night.

December 2nd

time of day: blue sky, racing clouds, sunspots
mood: procrastinating, oh no!!

goodness gracious! happy December! i saw some snow earlier, just stray flakes blowing about in the frigid morning. at first i thought they were petals from the trees that are mistakenly blooming, but it turned out to be snow... i wonder if the forecast is correct and we'll get some real snow on the weekend.

it's chilly and my face went numb on my morning walk, but i can't say i mind. what's harder is being inside and knowing i have a ton of things to do... an essay to finish, two others to polish up, a book to read and a short paper to draft... uwah, it's all quite a lot to deal with. i know that if i apply myself, it'll be fine. but... i don't wanna!!!

either way, i think this new journal is pretty cute. "Happy Shape" is one of my all-time favourite songs. Hachiya Nanashi is kind of a musical mastermind, even though i don't listen to much from him. all i need are this song and "Placebo" and i'm good! i'm glad there's so much official "Happy Shape" art, too. there are 3 sets of official LINE stickers! who'd have guessed!

i meant to write an entry yesterday, but i ended up going to bed early instead. it was a really nice sleep— no nightmares at all. i even feel rested... and... optimistic? yeah. optimistic!

helloooo, gratitude things will go here! umm, i will format it later.

for now, i'm grateful for...

  • zenwriter
  • pictures of mt. fuji
  • clean water
  • lamps to chase away the dark
  • patience for myself and others
  • bungo stray dogs novel
  • kind strangers
  • sudden snowfall
  • my warm winter coat
  • instant messengers
  • water boils pretty quickly if i stay busy
  • the catharsis of feeling hopeful after worrying
  • neocities
  • chiptune music, wah!
  • music in general... i'm so glad for happy little tunes
  • teddy bear
  • warm and soft bed
  • the pink sunrise
  • delicious maple ginger tea