30 Nov: Curtain Call

our last day of November was rainy and cold. when i went out this morning, i got caught in a downpour. it wasn't too bad though because i had on a big coat. i feel lucky that my shoes didn't get soaked through. good on me for not stepping in a puddle, i guess?

i'm tired, really tired... something living in my ear is trying to get out. i wanna go to bed.

does anyone remember that OMOCAT kickstarter game, Omori? it seems like a new trailer came out recently. it's a cool trailer! i'll admit that! and the release date we've been promised this time is Christmas 2020. i'd be hopeful if i hadn't already been waiting for seven years...

the shadow looking monsters remind me of End Roll... but no RPG Maker game can ever compete with that one, can it? it's so good!

hopefully there is a PC version of Omori, because God knows i'm not going to pay for this game no matter how cool and interesting it looks. anyway, here is the new trailer. the music is really good. i like the "Oyasumi" leimotif!

28 Nov: Winding Down

it's another warm yet overcast day. i could've sworn just moments ago, the sky was clear, but now it's completely clouded over. either way, the flowering trees are budding! poor things have no idea that winter is just around the corner. it makes me sad to think of the tiny blossoms falling off...

the month is coming to an end and i feel pretty hopeful for the future, which is a welcome change. there's only a little bit left of this semester. one final push and then my courseload will nearly vanish. that said... i don't want to do my homework LOL! but i said before that i would half-ass it, knowing everything would turn out fine in the end. if i look at it from that approach, it seems like less of an annoyance.

since the housework is already taken care of (and i plan to procrastinate schoolwork a bit longer), for today i can focus on Neocities. it'll be nice to get my December journal set up. i haven't decided on a layout yet, but this one has worked out quite well for me. maybe if i learnt to use meta names, i could just have one master CSS file... i wonder!

27 Nov: Nostalgia

the weather is nice today, warm enough to leave my window open since the night before. the clouds are floating lazily by, as usual. i wonder if it will be a temperate winter. i wouldn't mind a little snow, if only to make a snow angel and then go inside.

maybe i'm too old to think such things, but i really miss running around outside. even on chilly days, we'd still go out to play pretend and laugh and scream and frolick all over. of course, i can still go outside. if i was determined, i could find people to play frisbee with, or something... but it's not the same!

i like games. i like playgrounds. i like nonsense rules and silly storylines. i miss days when being the oldest or tallest granted the final word. it's not like i even want to go back or anything so drastic. i just think it'd be nice to get dizzy rolling down a hill and try to play tag while my tummy's still topsy turvy. there's no 'grown up' equivalent for such a feeling. it's rather disappointing.

25 Nov: Yawning

another bright and chilly day. the wind isn't too strong, so it's nice to walk around, especially now that the sun is shining. i'm so sleepy! i just want to lie in bed all day. maybe i'll play more Pokemon? or write something, seeing as i have a few projects in the works...

either way, i feel a bit odd and unsure of myself. it happens from time to time, so it's just a matter of waiting for the feeling to pass. the best thing i can do is keep myself busy. right now, that means doing my coursework and enjoying myself as much as i can. what do i do for fun?? i should do fun things... it's ok to do fun things.

december is coming up. i hope the time passes quickly.

22 Nov: Pure

"The answer lies in the fact that Angels are incredibly pure spiritual beings. Their voice is pure and so light. The light and love energy of the Angels vibrates so high that the humans cannot see or feel their presence at all."

i suspect this is why i'm so incomprehensible to others. all along, i felt like i was being ignored or purposefully misunderstood, but nobody maligns me. everyone that i meet either loves me or has no strong feelings about me. i've been bullied but never hated, so clearly my suffering was unintended.

these people are not malicious. i'm just... not of this Earth. that's all. our energies cannot get through to one another because of a planar disconnect. being "human" is hard.

in any case, i'm glad that i've found the one i'm meant to watch over and protect. for the first time ever, my voice is heard by someone else. it's a really wonderful experience. i'll stay by her side to the very end.

21 Nov: Lovely!!!

this morning and noontime were really, really good for me. i felt happy! truly happy!!! like my life has a bit more direction now, with new plans and nice things to look forward to... i'm grateful for it. so long as i can remember that feeling, i think i'll be able to sleep well tonight.

today's a nice, laid-back saturday. the sky is overcast but it wasn't too chilly indoors. on monday, it seems like it will rain again... i hope not! i have a considerable distance to walk that morning.

i spent the evening creating a profile page, finally. it's really intriguing, figuring out what i want to write about myself. in the past, i've tended to be as cryptic as possible. i wonder if i'm still committed to that sort of aesthetic? i suppose it doesn't matter too much, seeing as 5amgf's primary audience is only two people, one of whom is myself. and both of us know me pretty well.

20 Nov: Even Numbers

today it's very warm out. the sun is shining so cutely, even in the early afternoon. i want to sit down somewhere comfortable and feel okay. i want to lay on the ground and let the sun warm me from the inside out. i want to go up in a ferris wheel and look down at a flower garden below...

i noticed that i seem to be checking in on this site every other day and only posting new entries on even-numbered days. how weird! i prefer odd numbers in most cases. i hope that i'll write more tomorrow. 21 is a very good number.

i also like 5 (obviously), 4, 3, 99, 24, 25, 27, 12 (hehe), 33, 87, 55, 56, 7, 11, and 121. i like most squared numbers. cubic numbers are good, too. also i like the fibonacci sequence. of course, i could go on and on all day. the numberline is infinite, after all.

i want to watch TV. maybe there's something good.

18 Nov: Somehow Fine

i don't know how i managed it, but i was mostly fine today. it seems despair comes in waves lately. i'm a little bit grateful. mostly, i'm concerned. but i guess i should take what i can get, right? dissociation really is God's gift.

anyway, it was pretty cold out today and yesterday! the wind is picking up again. the trees have pretty much all lost their leaves. peculiarly, it seems the cherry blossoms bloomed again? just tiny little flowers without any leaves or anything. it's really odd. i don't get it at all. maybe they're not cherry blossoms, either... maybe i can find out the type of tree sometime.

my university classes are winding towards the end of the semester. it's more of the same, really. nothing is too difficult or particularly interesting. however, i've got a new zest for my assignments. i think it's because i realised that even when i try only half as hard as usual, my work is still just as good (if not better than) my peers. i won't have to deal with these things much longer, so i might as well enjoy myself as i half-ass it.

besides that, i'm playing Pokemon! it's really fun! sometimes i get sidetracked and bogged down with nitpicking my team... i'm barely halfway through the main story, so it's a bad time to worry about natures and egg moves and whatnot. it can be super frustrating just hunting for the best version of the same pokemon... so i won't do it!

by that i mean: i'll wait til the post-game. that's the best part of Pokemon, after all! since the character customisation is so good, i think i'd like to make different OC's with hand-picked teams. like an idol character, or a yandere... it will certainly take a long time to tweak and make everything perfect, so that should keep me busy. i hope i don't tire myself out too much.

16 Nov: Midday Nap

it was cold out today. the wind blew right into my face!!! even so, the sky is so pretty when the sun shines. lately i'm always awake to see the sunrise. i really like that.

Pokemon is finally here! but i can't play it until the update is finished downloading. to pass the time, i've been reading Durarara!! for the first time ever. 2020 is a bit late, but i'm really enjoying it. somehow, the art style reminds me of both Bungou Stray Dogs and Sayonara, Zetsubou-Sensei. i suppose that was just a popular shounen style at the time!

nevertheless, even though the manga istelf is new to me, it gives me nostalgia. the characters communicating in a chatroom reminds me of the hours i spent poring over Homestuck in its heydey... and it was absolutely hilarious to me when they mentioned other media published in the same magazine. the Kuroshitsuji gag really got me.

i think it was on okay day. i took a nap around noon and didn't dream at all. it's nice to get some rest without any nightmares. i want to keep doing my best, even though oftentimes life is unbearably disturbing. maybe it's too much pressure to say i'll do my best. that sort of declaration tends to backfire on me.

i'll give it a modest 90%.

14 Nov: Lazy Day

i started to play Steins;Gate today and it seems really promising. it's made me laugh out loud a few times. i really enjoy the mechanic with the cell phone, too!! quite interesting for a visual novel. it's fun and the characters are interesting. i like that Mamoru Miyano voices the protagonist... ah, he's such a good actor. yet somehow i'm just too tired to get properly into it. i'll try playing again tomorrow.

oh, and the weather was nice, i think. the air is clear. though it's still warm out, it already looks like winter.

maybe something nice will happen soon? i feel so weird all the time. i can't understand anything. i feel like i'm losing sight of myself.

13 Nov: Sleepy

it's like overnight all the leaves disappeared. the big tree outside my window is totally barren now. when i woke up this morning, i was convinced i'd see snow on the ground. obviously, there's no snow. it's actually still quite warm and nice. it just looks so cold... i hope i can take a walk this afternoon. it's a nice day for a little stroll.

yesterday was okay. i didn't cry at all, it wasn't boring, and nothing too terrible happened. i guess i'm just tired now. i feel weird, like i want to do something fun, but i don't know what to do. all i can do is pass these days lethargically, trying not to think too hard.

11 Nov: Should Be OK

another warm day, albeit overcast. the wind picked up a little bit so the leaves are flying all over the place. i'm sure that there's a specific word used to describe autumn leaves falling from the trees, floating down to the earth... but i can't think of it at all. i'll have to think about it more.

soon it will be winter, and the trees will be completely spindly. what a sad sight. i hope for snow, but i don't want to be cold either.

anyhow, today should be fine. i feel mostly lethargic, but that's not an issue when there's so little to do. how weird it is to be alive, flitting from one vague desire to the next. at this point, i'm too tired for that kind of thing.

i just want to play games... while i'm waiting for Pokemon to arrive, maybe i could try out Octopath Traveler again. the characters and storylines seemed interesting. plus i liked the graphics. my issue last time was failing to level up before boss battles. i didn't realise that it was an old school RPG in that regard, too!

10 Nov: Feeling Sleepy

pretty tired today. i don't feel like doing anything at all... the weather is so warm, even a little bit foggy.

yesterday evening i read Chainsaw Man (2018-) all in one sitting. 90 chapters! i really enjoyed it, since the characters and world are so interesting. Denji and Power are a really fun duo, and i like how close they become over the course of the story. my all time favourite character though, Angel Devil... i want to see more of him. he seems pretty capable but completely unwilling to apply himself. plus, i'm a sucker for characters who literally destroy anything that they touch.

his relationship with Aki intrigues me the most. they both have a death wish, and the hardworking versus slacker dynamic is pretty interesting. plus Aki is both reckless and empathetic enough to be the only person to ever touch Angel. how romantic, right? and so totally doomed!

9 Nov: Weird Dreams

another warm day! the sun is shining on me as i type this. it's really pleasant, even though it unnerves me to see my reflection so clearly. when it's just my hands it's ok though!

this morning, i actually got out of bed to draw in MS Paint just with my mouse and trackpad. it was a little bit frustrating, but i felt better knowing that no matter what i did, it was going to come out shitty. mediocrity is so freeing!

anyway, i keep having weird dreams. i've forgotten them all by now, but for the past week i've been waking up thinking stuff like, "huh? what the hell was that all about?" admittedly, that's a nice change from waking up scared and upset. usually i have nightmares. even so, it's all quite odd. maybe i'll keep a dream diary?

everything's gonna be ok, in the weird twisted sense that i think of as "okay." i'll keep doing my best to make it through each day. nothing terrible is gonna befall me. whatever it is, i'll handle it. how nice it is to be assured of something for a change.

8 Nov: Sunny Days

every morning when i sit at my desk, the sun shines right on me. nice as it is, it makes it quite difficult to see my computer screen as i'm working! and since i've been writing lately, it's quite the nuisance... still, i can't complain. the weather is gorgeous. what a wonderfully warm autumn week we're having. i'm sure it will be back to wind and rain soon.

it's nice to write things that are completely self-indulgent. i feel kind of like i don't deserve to have so much fun... but i'm going to be miserable whether i do it or not, so...! i hope that sometime soon i will polish and complete a work enough to share it with others. i'm not particularly worried about the reception, but i have my own standards to meet, after all.

and i want to play Pokemon!!!! the game probably won't arrive for another several days... maybe the wait will make it more satisfying? but i'm so bored in the meantime... i want to catch lots of cute Pokemon and dress up my trainer and make up happy little stories about the game... i could work on my Living 'Dex again! i mean, i probably won't, since not all the Pokemon are in Gen 8, but it could keep me busy if i start to get bored. most of all, i just want to make up stories and get totally lost in them. anything that can distract me from existing...

in the past, i've tried to keep these diaries light-hearted and easy-going. after all, it's all in public. i know that no one is reading, but even so, it's inappropriate to be so publicly upset. i don't know if i can keep up that energy anymore. i am very, very, impossibly tired. of everything. even so, i don't want to do nothing but complain, so i'll write about happy things right after this!

lately i've been drinking tea every morning. usually chamomile lemon, sometimes lemon ginger. it's really tasty, and it's nice to enjoy a hot beverage as i'm starting my day. i think this afternoon i'll try to read more. i have a couple interesting books that i'd like to get into. i think i'll do some laundry, too.

5 Nov: Storybook Quality

on a walk this morning, i saw three groups of different birds and one (1) squirrel all eating at the same birdfeeder. it was very, very cute— like something out of a children's book!!!

after a bit of a hiatus from this site (like a week?) i think i've worked up an appetite for web design once again. it's certainly a lot more fulfilling than what i've done for the past few days: putz around on gossip sites, watch TV shows i've already seen, and feel sorry for myself. at least music has been good. and i like listening to the radio, too.

for months now, i've been floundering for something to latch onto, like a video game. something immersive enough that i can play for hours, but open enough that i could make up my own stories alongside it. right now, i'm thinking about picking up Pokemon again but i'm hesitant to pay for the new one... maybe i could play Story of Seasons: Trio of Towns for the billionth time.

for a couple months, Animal Crossing was really really fun for me, but i find nowadays i can hardly focus on it. most of the time, i don't want to play at all. i think i'm unsatisfied with my town and my home's interior. on top of that, i feel disconnected from the villagers... they hardly say anything interesting or funny and they're always repeating themselves. after so much time away from the game, i feel like our friendships (even though they're not actually real;;;) have diminished significantly.

...

about fifteen minutes after writing this, i bought Pokemon Shield ahaha. i got a bit of a discount, so i wanted to pounce on it! after all, when gen 7 came out, it kept me occupied for months and months. now, it's been years since i last played any Pokemon game. i think it'll be fun!

4 Nov: Bright Out

today, thankfully, is not windy at all. i'm sure the trees could use the rest. i swear, half the leaves in the world are littering the streets and the sidewalks right now. plus, it's rather warm out too! it's just a really nice day, in general. there's not much to do, but at least the weather is pleasant...

ah, i wanna take a nap. with the window open, it's the perfect kind of afternoon to spend snuggled up in bed...

2 Nov: Quite Gusty!

i really like this layout! it's cute and warm, has a nice palette, and i think i did a great job structuring everything. i was so excited to use it that i thought about abandoning the October journal entirely! of course, i refrained... and yet i didn't write an entry on the first of November. oopsies.

anyway, this month is cold. last night, the wind was positively howling. even now, the gusts are so strong that i can hear it over the lawnmowers down the street. i hope that soon we can run the heaters... it's chilly even inside. but other than the cold, it's a beautiful day. i'll probably take a walk sometime in the afternoon when the temperature is more agreeable.

i don't really feel like doing anything, though. i guess there is schoolwork to think about, but the whole "obligatory" part is what gets to me. maybe things will look up soon, but i doubt it. i just wanna be in bed, laying down and semi-comfortable.