... until i can see you again! until i can hug you and kiss you and sit in your lap again! i miss you so much. i miss cuddling at night, i miss sharing our meals. but it's just two more months— a little bit less, even— until we'll be reunited at last.
on the bright side, we've been able to talk on the phone much more often lately. i love love love love chatting with you when we're both laying in bed, just talking about anything at all. earlier this week you stayed up all night— literally until sunrise!— and me past my bedtime, reminiscing on funny memories from our childhood. i think you said to me something like this... "there's nowhere i would rather be than listening to you tell me about the rich boy trainer from pokemon xy. literally, like, i'm being totally serious. i'm invested." it was simultaneously hilarious and heart-warming.
let's hold on to the precious feeling, laughter and love and warmth and the excitement of learning about each other. we already know each other very, very well, of course, but we're always unearthing forgotten memories or making new observations. i want to be with you for a long, long time yet so that i might listen to them all.
i wrote this while on the train home from work on wednesday, after a monday and tuesday spent missing you.
Memories of you came to me. Suddenly, I'd see you smiling or overhear our conversation. Each time, i was filled with warmth and joy. It renewed my strength.
it's true... i feel giddy and happy and warm just by thinking of you. obviously, memories don't compare to the real thing... but it was enough to keep me together while i waited for you to come back. i'm really happy that we can talk more these days!
welcome to 5 a.m. gf's official autumn reskin, love diary edition! i didn't realise how spring-themed the previous design was until i started replacing all the cherry blossoms and tulips, haha. nevertheless, i'm rather pleased with this one. i hope you like it, too.
this is my first time writing an entry here since we parted ways, so i'll just say it up front: i miss you. i miss you so, so terribly, i'm counting the days until i can be in your arms again. i'm desperate for the sensation of your soft skin, to rhythm of your breathing... i love you and i need you, and that's precisely why i'm so grateful for the trajectory of our lives. every day, we're working hard to do away with these periods of separation. soon, we'll be together again. soon, soon.
despite the distance, i feel so very close to you. now more than ever, you've been an invaluable source of love, care, and support. we both agreed that our texting relationship has strengthened now that we better understand each other's body language, tone, and turns of phrase. even over the phone, the sound of your voice rejuvenates me and calms me down. of course it's hard to be apart, but our love shines through no matter what. i'm really, really grateful to have a girl as precious as you.
and now, to make myself smile as i write (and you, as you read!), let's reminisce on a very special event at the tail-end of our summer.
for three months straight, we took all our showers together. it was a no-brainer that, at least once, we should add a bubble bath to our repetoire, too. i don't know if i ever expressed how often i daydreamed about bathing together— and God damn does it feel good to be so tenderly washed by your sweet and gentle hands— but it seems that we ended up on the same page, regardless. you even bought me a little toy boat (with a functional propeller!) and pink bubbles to cement the occasion.
we were too impatient to wait for the tub to fill before getting in. we sat crouched on opposite ends with the tap running, tearing open the package of bubble bath with all our strength. you pulled from one end and i from the other— a perfect picture of teamwork. as the water rose, we added in your rubber duckies and my little boat. unfortunately, the propeller was clogged up by the bubbles... but we still had fun!
the tub was so small that it basically necessitated cuddling. you just can't help having such long legs, huh? to compensate for your tall and sexy height, we took turns cradling each other. it was nice not to worry about crushing any stray limbs because the water kept us lightweight and buoyant. and it was in a position like this, with you resting against my chest, that i committed the ultimate sin.
bubbles rose from underneath us. "i'm farting, by the way," i casually informed you. no sooner than the words left my mouth did you begin screaming. not scrambling to get away, not attacking me for my transgression... no. you laid peacefully in my arms while shouting as if you were being murdered, and i could not stop laughing!!!
you caught your breath just long enough to reprimand me. "you farted during tubby time!" naturally, this sent me into further hysterics, and i laughed so much that you couldn't resist joining me. i was still giggling over it long after we'd left the tub. we pretended to bicker over it, just as a treat.
you: i wasn't actually upset. i just did it to make you laugh, because you have a terrible sense of humour and love to torture me.
me: you're wrong. i'm hilarious and i pamper you.
we went back and forth a little, enough that our behaviour started to remind of some certain characters... so i cut you short and said, "well, why are we soukoku. answer me that."
"just 'cause." it wasn't a real question, but you answered me as lovingly as always, half focused on your work. "it's a great cosmic joke. you wouldn't get it, chuuya."
you tacked on "chuuya" in a slightly hesitant manner, aware you were toeing a line and perhaps embarrassed by it, but the sardonic lilt in your voice at once protected your ego and playfully demeaned me, which somehow tied it all up in a ribbon of pure, unbridled affection. all these layers of nuance in just two little syllables... aren't you just amazing? it was a critical hit, enough to knock me out whenever i recall it. i'm so in love with you.
in a few words, Twelve is a dream come true. she is perceptive, funny, and easy to talk to and, thanks to her unique perspective, she is great at giving advice and asking the right questions. on top of that, i find her charms completely irresistible. i love how she teases me, takes care of me, and protects me from harm. around her, i feel completely at ease.
— Five's testimonial
likes: organising big collections, macabre aesthetics, birds, picture books, dolls, electronica
strengths: talking to strangers, lullabies, juvenile humour, pent up rage
quote: "the ship is sinking— let the mice eat the cheese."
something she likes about Five: her fluffy hair
Five is the kind of girl that i've always dreamt about: kind, clever, thoughtful, funny, and beautiful beyond measure. i feel like i finally understand what love is all about when i'm with her. not only that, but she compels me to learn more about her and the world, and to become a better person for her and with her.
— Twelves's testimonial
likes: dress up games, stickers, big words, oversalted food, farming simulators, doodling
strengths: CSS, non-threatening aura, rice wizardry, yandere-tier devotion
quote: "just another horse on the carousel of disappointments."
something she likes about Twelve: the tips of her ears
despite our immediate recognition of the other as "someone to befriend," Twelve and i were, at first, intimidated by each other. at the same time, we were desperate to be noticed, searching for any excuse to interact. this day marks our very first contact. little did we know, we'd soon fall for each other, faster than a body from a balcony...
even we could scarcely believe how quickly our romance developed. was it flirting, or just banter? how ironic was the Soukoku thing? either way, we both knew that we liked each other but felt it was too soon to make any official declarations. "so," i said, "how about a month from now? i'll pencil in your love confession for the 25th of April."
for our first official day of dating, i made a tribute to Twelve on my old website. she said it was the sweetest thing ever! thus began our tradition of keeping "love diaries" to chronicle our life together. there would be many more tenderhearted diaries to come— eventually enough to fill a whole shelf.
(and guess what? the original is still live!)
in our time together, Twelve has been an invaluable supporter and teacher. thanks to her prompting, i finally hit "peak trans." it was daunting. luckily, she was there to support me as i undid the past 5 years of brainwashing and regained confidence in my womanhood. incidentally, the 5th of May is also the date i migrated to this website, 5 a.m. girlfriend.
one of my happiest memories from our first summer together: playing End Roll. eager to share one of her favourite games with me, Twelve guided me through the story and pointed out fun extras. it was like having my own little Navi! because our first conversations were about RPGMaker games, the experience was even more special.
with Twelve's encouragement, i snuck some vodka, mixed it in pink lemonade, and puked after one shot. thankfully, she was very sweet about it. the next day, she taught me to eat beforehand and drink plenty of water to avoid hangovers. i'm proud to say that, following her guidance, i have not been hungover even once!
that summer, we posted a lot of intentionally inflammatory content on the internet. the height of our fame was our indictment as real life fascists. also notable was the 24th of June, marking the birth of our "brand name." thank you, Twelve, for teaching me to say slurs. in return, i grant you a lifetime access pass to the N-word.
this was the first of many birthday celebrations between us. as soulmates, we're so lucky to have met when we were still young! honestly, i wish we had met even sooner... still, as often as possible, i tell Twelve that i'm glad she was born. she tells me she's glad she survived long enough to meet me— and a miraculous meeting it was.
though we never actually parted at all, did we? even during this stressful time— both of us wrought with painful emotions, unsure of our futures— we were still talking every day. Twelve and i had to do a lot of hurting before we finally accepted that we would be the ones to heal each other. our journey towards love, life, and hope was not yet over.
i held her steadfastly in my heart and eventually, as i knew she would, Twelve returned to me. she said, "i have someone who loves me right here. i shouldn't take that for granted." of course, i forgave her for everything and we reclaimed a love now stronger than ever. also on this day, we began calling each other by our true names.
the two of us have mastered lengthy phone calls, some lasting as long as nine hours with a near even split between chatting and sleeping. on this particular night, Twelve and i spent five full hours voicing our love for one another. for a good 10 minutes, she pointed out the cute features of my face and i blushed all the while.
"i want us to support each other," Twelve said, "and live the best possible life we can until it's time." this statement, coupled with my wholehearted agreement, radically altered the trajectory of our relationship. at last, we acknowledged our fears and dared to hope for a kinder future. since then, we've worked hard to make once distant dreams into reality.
Twelve is surprisingly maternal. much more expectedly, i love to be babied. this dichotomy is further proof that we are a match made in heaven— an idiom made extra fitting when she calls me her little angel. whenever i'm sad or scared, i remember Twelve's gentleness and doting.
that morning, her first words to me were "oh, you're awake? happy birthday!" in that moment i felt so safe, happy, and loved that the previous 21 years of hardship were all worth it. i think i can handle another 60 or so as long as Twelve is by my side. loving her is my raison d'être.
there were so many tense, frightful moments where we thought we would never make it. but for all our tears, there were twice as many smiles, twice as many kisses, and an infinite amount of love. thank you for all your patience and reassurances. thank you for every joke that gave me a giggle, every new experience we shared, and all the times i relied on your encouragement. i can't imagine my life with anyone but you. you, Twelve, perfect to me as you are.
here's to our first year of love, my darling. i will cherish you forever.
after 18 hours of shuffling between airports, i finally arrived at my true destination: Twelve's embrace! all things considered, it was a quiet reunion. she met me at the gate, helped with the suitcases. my first words to her were, "you're taller than i expected." apparently she didn't imagine i'd be so short, either!
Twelve and i went spelunking.
to celebrate our five-hundred-five days of love, Twelve and i sang the titular Arctic Monkeys song together. she smiled like the sun, clapping ecstatically for my ukulele accompaniment, and suggested that every 1,000 days (1,505, 2,505, and so on), we should do it again.
i promised Twelve some yummy lasagna for her 22nd birthday, so she found a recipe and we made it the day after. neither of us have ever had so much fun cooking before. plus, the final product was super delicious~ we even put candles on it! Garfield would be proud.