Twelve: Canon Dazai Incarnate

you could see it with your eyes

she's tall, and— at 179cm— just a couple ticks shy of Dazai's full height. and while i'm entreating you to the most superficial of comparisons, please note that, like our anime specimen, she also has dark-coloured eyes and hair, plus a masculine charm that makes women swoon. most of all, i love how she looks dead on her feet at all times. in Dazai's eyes we find the same glint of exhaustion, two dimensional but always begging for eternal rest.

her entire body is scarred. while Dazai jokes to Odasaku that he is merely accident prone, in reality his bandages conceal the cumulative fresh injuries and old scars from numerous suicide attempts. in similar fashion, if Twelve wanted to cover all of hers (and simultaneously look incredibly foolish), she would require the same bandage coverage as Dazai.

a brief analysis, lovingly written

she is a lazy piece of shit. nobody likes the slog, but these two take avoiding work to a new level. though it might cause problems for others, the "effort taboo" isn't intentionally malicious. it's just a matter of principle: they prioritise personal significance and find it impossible to care otherwise. when finally presented with a meaningful challenge, like Dazai, Twelve applies herself with exceptional skill and forethought.

she is naturally curious. albeit one of the subjects' more wholesome traits, the direct result is a love of provocation. when the whole world is boring, you might as well do random shit just to see what happens. at least that was Twelve's justification for pressing random buttons on a drinks machine and ending up with a hot chocolate she didn't want nor intend to pay for. impulsiveness notwithstanding, Twelve is actually a very careful, considerate person. she rethinks plans sevenfold before putting them into action. that's why when she says "just trust me," i listen.

she is a genius, despite the benzo-booze brainrot and general autism. alas, anecdotal comparisons fail to account for Dazai's role as a superpowered bishie. that is to say: Dazai is not real. he is from anime and he is a stupid Mary Sue. nevertheless, Twelve's still got a couple brain cells to rub together, as evidenced by her strong vocabulary, unique ideas, creative solutions, and extensive pre-planning. given the chance to star in her own seinen anime, i have no doubt that she would display the same levels of narrative breaking brilliance as Dazai.

life with her is always fun because Twelve knows how to party. she is always coming up with silly ideas and, being such a good conversationalist, knows how to capitalise on them for maximum laughs. even when things are stressful, Twelve can easily lighten the mood and put everyone at ease. i certainly feel refreshed after talking with her!

people prefer the idea of her to her actual self. did you fall in love while you were reading this? i wouldn't blame you. as sad as it sounds, it's by design. a hallmark of Dazai's character and Twelve's modus operandi is to keep others at arm's length— a protective measure against rejection. for that reason, they project a laidback, fun-loving persona to keep the mood light. when not playing the class clown, a philosophical nature peeks through and, if you can disregard the bluntness, you'll find that they both give excellent advice.

things i shouldn't say about my girlfriend on the internet

she is impervious to manipulation. like the genius ikemen always a step ahead, traditional tactics (threats, guilt trips, etc.) don't work on her. in fact, it's far likelier that Twelve is manipulating you. but of course you would never notice; she uses a smokescreen of cluelessness to keep her cards close to her chest. no one knows what Dazai is thinking either— canonically, it's a trap to even speculate. funnily enough, the only one who comes close to getting it right is Chuuya... ;+)

she considers herself defective. with attention to No Longer Human, the book upon which Dazai's character is based, we understand his endless (and apparently fruitless) search for belonging. neither he nor Twelve seem to fit in anywhere. in the absence of a cure for the assumed maladjustment, or any reliable way to cover it up, a chasm forms where life's meaning should be. both subjects rely on the same vices to fill that void. extrapolate as you will.

she suffers in silence. Twelve won't hesitate to complain that it's too hot outside, or the wine tastes bad, or my kisses are tickling her. aside from that, she endures her troubles by herself— not running from her feelings, per se, but reluctant to share them. Dazai's advice to his protégé Atsushi was to never pity himself; Twelve seems to have taken that to heart. she tries to manage everything by herself because, after all, the less others know, the better.

reading weird ingredients off the Dazai kin label

she has weird taste in food. Twelve has been known to eat tuna fish straight out of the can. i bet if she had mafia blood money to blow, she'd go for the canned crab, too! on top of that, she admittedly doesn't care if her food is hot or cold, burnt or undercooked, and only complains if the flavours are too extreme.

she has encyclopedic knowledge of things that nobody should know about. for legal purposes, i cannot elaborate.

she was encouraged to better herself by my unconditional love and optimistic hope in her future. to be fair, this point mirrors the relationship between Dazai and Odasaku and has nothing to do with Chuuya (who, for the record, is completely absent during this story arc). still, it stands.

She is
We are
I am