Why Dazai will never marry you

because he is married to me, of course. duh. and here's the proof:

A glimpse into Married Life with Dazai

let it be known that Dazai makes for an objectively terrible husband. he is lazy and impulsive, dishonest, spiteful— the kind of man who buys expensive snacks when rent is due at the end of the week, then hoards them all to himself and refuses to share. he's the ultimate sleazebag. what's worse is that, at the same time, he is smarter and more talented than any other living person, so you can't even yell at him for being useless. Dazai is plenty useful, but only when he cares. and unfortunately for you, he just won't care that you can't bake yourself a little cheesecake because he appropriated all the mixing bowls to make unholy amalgamates of party drugs and semi-edible dinner food.

fig. 1: Dazai unsheaths his katana in the Crate and Barrel

of course, he is also a man of compromise. (this is only because he is possessive, needy, and depends on you to live, so really it's in his best interest to keep you marginally happy.) he will offer to drive you to the grocery store or the kitchen-and-bath outlet to buy some more. "wherever you want to go, honey," he'll say with a smile. but be warned: you're better off not getting in the car when he's behind the wheel. true to form, Dazai drives like he wants to kill everyone on the road, including you and especially himself. should you actually manage to arrive at your destination alive, congratulations!! if nothing else, you are now carsick. keep in mind that Dazai is a sadist so, even if he doesn't admit as much, he'll enjoy watching you dry heave in the parking lot outside the Crate and Barrel.

at this point, you won't even want to go shopping anymore; you're not hungry; you don't care about the cheesecake you've been craving for the past week. the mere thought of holding a whisk makes you whoozy. you just want to go home and cuddle with your evil husband until you feel better. what happens next is the reason you married Dazai in the first place: once you've done all that you can, survived his additional torment, and begged to tap out, he'll take care of the rest. the man is damned lucky and, as aforementioned, talented to an exceptional, nearly inhuman degree. if he arrives at the Crate and Barrel on a mission for mixing bowls, he'll walk out of there with the best stock they have. so it's all ok. just lean on him while he pushes the shopping cart. before you know it, you'll be back home in bed with a scrumptious plate of cheesecake in your lap. just don't ask how it happened; it will spoil your dessert.

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